No mother influence...

I am settling in nicely to my new home in Virginia.  I have been very busy making my treehouse apartment comfortable...I have replaced the dining room hanging light, I have replaced the ceiling fan in the bedroom..I have painted the walls in the kitchen, dining room, living room and bathroom...I only have the bedroom left...also, the kitchen floor will be replaced with wood laminate flooring, and so will the bathroom floor...

I have been meeting new people, and exploring the area more...the leaves are starting to turn their fall foliage colors and it is really beautiful..

I do miss my grandsons and kids...but they call me and text me pretty often...I miss my two dogs, Bevo and Sancho...I wish they could be here with me too...but I know my husband is taking good care of them...

My mother, has not called, or texted...in fact, I have not talked to my mom in more than 7 mos...and we lived in the same town in Oklahoma...my dad says she is going downhill...withering away...well, how do I feel about that??  I don't fucking care...she was never a mother to me...EVER...she did not teach me to be a woman, she didn't even tell me about my period...she did not protect me from an abusive step father...she never protected me...she did not teach me to cook, to clean, to be a wife or mother...I had to learn everything myself...

with my daughter, I tried to be her mother, I tried to teach her to cook, clean, dress, etc...I told her about her period and we had the sex talk...my daughter and I have a very close relationship and sometimes I am so jealous because I have no relationship at all with my mother, and a girl needs a mom!!

But even though I tried to be the best mom I could be to my kids, I feel I failed miserably...and the ultimate failure...leaving their dad and moving 1000 miles away...I know somewhere in their hearts and thoughts, they feel abandoned and angry...But I stayed a mom until they were grown, married and out of the house...then I left...I left for my happiness, not theirs...I did my job...

I don't know if I would change anything in their upbringing or how they were raised, because frankly I don't remember their childhood, but looking at pictures of their life growing up, I feel I was there and did a good job...but who the fuck knows...I did not have a role model for motherhood...I just had to wing it...

Maybe one day, they will understand why I left, and why I am the way I am today...and I hope they won't hate me....