No mother influence...

I am settling in nicely to my new home in Virginia.  I have been very busy making my treehouse apartment comfortable...I have replaced the dining room hanging light, I have replaced the ceiling fan in the bedroom..I have painted the walls in the kitchen, dining room, living room and bathroom...I only have the bedroom left...also, the kitchen floor will be replaced with wood laminate flooring, and so will the bathroom floor...

I have been meeting new people, and exploring the area more...the leaves are starting to turn their fall foliage colors and it is really beautiful..

I do miss my grandsons and kids...but they call me and text me pretty often...I miss my two dogs, Bevo and Sancho...I wish they could be here with me too...but I know my husband is taking good care of them...

My mother, has not called, or texted...in fact, I have not talked to my mom in more than 7 mos...and we lived in the same town in Oklahoma...my dad says she is going downhill...withering away...well, how do I feel about that??  I don't fucking care...she was never a mother to me...EVER...she did not teach me to be a woman, she didn't even tell me about my period...she did not protect me from an abusive step father...she never protected me...she did not teach me to cook, to clean, to be a wife or mother...I had to learn everything myself...

with my daughter, I tried to be her mother, I tried to teach her to cook, clean, dress, etc...I told her about her period and we had the sex talk...my daughter and I have a very close relationship and sometimes I am so jealous because I have no relationship at all with my mother, and a girl needs a mom!!

But even though I tried to be the best mom I could be to my kids, I feel I failed miserably...and the ultimate failure...leaving their dad and moving 1000 miles away...I know somewhere in their hearts and thoughts, they feel abandoned and angry...But I stayed a mom until they were grown, married and out of the house...then I left...I left for my happiness, not theirs...I did my job...

I don't know if I would change anything in their upbringing or how they were raised, because frankly I don't remember their childhood, but looking at pictures of their life growing up, I feel I was there and did a good job...but who the fuck knows...I did not have a role model for motherhood...I just had to wing it...

Maybe one day, they will understand why I left, and why I am the way I am today...and I hope they won't hate me....

Once Upon a Time

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time
there was a little girl

and all she ever wanted
was to play and be happy

but, her life was not fun
she was never a child

her only happiness
was taken from her
murdered by her

so, she retreated
to a faraway place
where she only dreamed of fun

but lived with fear, sadness and loneliness
her three only friends

she could never play
because pain consumed her

Once upon a time
there was a little girl
who did not exist...

Progression and regression of depression

As I was traveling through the mountains one morning, I was struck by the fog and mist covering and descending onto the mountain tops...this came to mind in describing depression:

This is a visual: The Progression and regression of Depression...

Depression is the heavy fog seen in the mountains, covering the peaks, and making them difficult to see. Depression is like thick dense fog blanketing my mind. depression makes me blind to all that is around me.  I can't think, I can't breath, I can't smell.  I am only able to discern this weird fog.  I feel as if I am hurdling headlong into disaster, but can't see it coming, can't prepare for the impact, my reality is distorted.  I am immersed in fog, mentally blind. 

I know the mountains are there, I am aware of that reality in a small area somewhere in my mind...but I can't  see", so therefore it is not real...

Fog slowly builds and thickens and lowers itself onto the mountains.  You watch the haze, watch as the landscape slowly disappears from view until the mountains vanish. Once a landmark that kept me on my path, now obscured or gone, I become disoriented, confused, have no direction, I cannot find a landmark to follow..Fear, sadness, gloom paralyze me and panic sets in...Doomsday...

Eventually the faint outline of the mountains start to appear..The fog is still there, but I am becoming able to see thru it, there is a glimmer of hope.  The fog, depression, is still there, evident, but hope is coming...then the fog lifts, its clear, I can see, find my way back. 

For me, depression starts out light, a faint cloud I barely notice, and gradually slowly builds and descends..If I could stop it at its starting point, I would be okay...but I cannot...

Its back...

and its back...trying to infiltrate my mind....

Depression is the enemy
it tells you,
you are worthless,
ugly, stupid,.
You don't deserve
happiness or to even live...
Depression is a nagging
in your head, saying
"fuck you piece of shit"
Its so hard to ignore that voice,
when its screaming in your ears..
you can't sleep,
can't think clearly
can't concentrate, and your heart pounds.
everything you do or say,
 is wrong, comes out wrong, 
sounds wrong..and there is not a damn thing
that can be done to stop it...
No way to "get over it"..
you either push thru or say "fuck it, I am tired of the fight"
and you surrender...

a Joke

I am a fucking joke...
It would be so easy to monologue a comedy routine, based on me....
I have fucking tatts on each hand to tell me left from right...
I have fucking lists all over the house to remind me to  do stuff...
I get lost fucking using a "WAZE" gps app...
I drop every damn thing I try to pick up..
I can't judge corners so I bump into everything...
My body is covered in bruises because I am such a clutz..
I forget what I am trying to  tell someone, in mid sentence...
I can't discern if someone is just "teasing me" or "being serious"..
I cry and laugh at the most inappropriate things...
I am having huge lapse in time...I will think it is like 2:00 pm but in reality it is 6:00pm...where, what, how, did 4 hours vanish??

shit...I am the epitome of the "blonde" joke....

No feelings?

My daddy died in 07...He was the first of all his 5 siblings to die.  He was also the youngest.  Since his death, two of  his sisters have also passed away.  This past week, his brother, my Uncle RV passed away.  Leaving only 2 sisters left, one being the oldest sibling.   

It is a weird thought knowing that before long, all of my daddy's siblings and immediate family will be dead and gone...

I sent a text to my x-husband to let him know that my uncle  had died.  
His response, "do you even care anymore about family?"  That statement hit me like a ton of bricks to the face....

Do I come across as non-caring?  Has my brain issues made me seem like a non feeling, non emotional, non person???Just because I left my husband and family and oklahoma, does not mean I am a monster...I love my family, I loved my uncle...I still feel loss and love...I feel happiness and sadness, I feel guilt, shame, anger...I still l have normal "human" feelings...

I just forget more, I don't think about calling or keeping in touch with relatives and family...I don't remember so much of my life it doesn't occur to me to be "emotional or whatever..." I just flat don't think about relatives and people...I don't remember to call or text...I just do good to keep myself busy and occupied during the day...I don't chase drama...and family is drama..and I can't handle drama...not anymore...

So my x-husband, since my departure, has called me "unfeeling", "uncaring", has told me "I have destroyed the family", "I have destroyed him" and every other damn thing....then he wonders why I do not call or keep up with family dynamics...do I really need to hear my "downfall" every time I am on the phone???

I am sad that my uncle died.  Sad for his wife and family, they will miss him, just like I miss my daddy.  I am not sad that he actually died...everyone dies...dying is a part of living...in fact, his death means he can be with his brother again...