Frustration!!!

shit....frustration is real!!!

I get so frustrated, so easily, so fast...even the simplest tasks can leave me, shaking, angry, disoriented, irritated...

  My brain works in slow motion, at times, whereas I use to could do things without thinking about it..ie..pick up a coffee cup..now often times I go to pick something up and my brain does not tell my hand to grab hold tight, and I end up dropping shit all the time..I go to walk around a table, thru a door way, whatever and I cut the corner too soon and bang myself...my perephial vision is getting worse...my memory, oh shit...I can go to the store in the morning, and by evening I can't remember if I went to the said store, yesterday or last week or this morning...I say or do things and immediately it is gone from my head..

I can no longer tell my left from my right hands...which has been a real bitch trying to drive around a new strange environment...I have gotten lost many times because my WAZE app will say "turn right or turn left and I don't know which is which....so, I now have a "L" and a "R" tattooed on my hands so when I am  holding the steering wheel, I can see which way to turn....

with this brain injury, I do not have control with the progression of my symptoms...I just have to accept them and adapt...which is in and of itself very irritating too...I feel so stupid so much of the time...I know I am not stupid,   but this brain injury, tumors and shit make me stupid...literally a dumb blonde...

I try and learn new things, but immediately forget them...I say things, do things, and forget...I get angry and fly into a rage at the slightest provocation...if I could just calm down...but it is impossible to be calm when your brain is fighting, there is a fucking riot going on in my left frontal lobe, and good brain tissue is slowly being overtaken by the brain tumors, fellow inmates...

I will never be free of this prison, until I am finally executed...

Sorry, I don't remember...

Sorry, I don't remember..

Sorry,
I don't remember..

the day I fell in love,
with you..
I don't remember.

the day I fell out of love,
with you..
I don't remember..

Sorry, 
I don't remember..

your first kick,
inside my womb..
I don't remember.

your birth,
your many adventures..
I don't remember.

I "know",
but I don't remember..

Sorry, but I don't remember....

Multiple Meningeomas....

In 2014 or so, brain MRI showed six more tumors...7 total.

In 2018, brain MRI showed nine tumors, making now 10 brain tumors...multiple meningeomas....

They are spreading...crowding my frontal lobe...making me even more fucked up than I already am..

My confusion is getting worse, even being able to distinguish my right from my left hands is getting difficult, especially if I am aggravated or upset...

I can't start something new, without first being shown how to do it, then I can do it...but in my head...I can't figure it out...
I can't even tie a rope knot, start the knot, without help...once it is started I can add to it...

I am like a child having to be taught even the most basic things...turn left...WTF??? 

If someone is talking and they get too detailed, my mind shuts off...I can't process what they are saying...too much information overloads this shit brain and I become stupid, disoriented, confused, tired and zoned out...

I forget every goddamn thing...I am also starting to drop stuff...literally, my hands forget I am holding something, or they don't completely grab hold and secure an object...almost like they forget what they are suppose to be doing.

when I walk, I cut corners too soon and slam my feet, shoulders, hips into cabinets and door frames and anything really I am trying to navigate through or around...

I am monumentally clumsy..for a former gymnast that is a hard pill to swallow...a literal bull in a china cabinet.

It is very embarrassing for me...I try to make excuses...oops, I guess I better slow down, oops, I need to pay attention,  oops I forgot, I am getting old...oops sorry I didn't mean to say or do that...oops  oops oops....

But in reality, my brain is fucked...crowded with insurgents trying to infiltrate and destroy what is left of the playing field...my mind.

I am disappearing from who I am...like a person with dementia or Altymers disease (yes that is misspelled and spell check would not give me the correct spelling)  but I am not sick with any of those types of diseases..My frontal lobe, left, is being infiltrated with invaders who are taking over and crowding me out...

How long before I am completely gone??? at this rate, not long...

Tree Symphony

If I listen,
really listen..
I can hear
the music thru the trees.

The leaves flapping
together, in a steady
beat..
a soft applause
a light drumming...

I can hear the whistle
the  melody of
the wood winds
as they echo through the branches..

cicadas playing their song
the rise and fall of the their pitch
the percussion of sound.

all the while,
little red birds 
punctuate the air
with their arias.

This is the tree symphony
of my forest...

Tiny Bird

She is a tiny bird
way up
in the blue sky

no one notices her
she's invisible

she's soundless
her song is soft

her touch
light as a feather

search for her
she is almost gone

fly away
tiny bird.....

Suicidal Sacrifice

Today
I was driving, 
those winding roads, 
up and down
around and around,
I hit a bird
a red bird
I felt the thump
my heart got sick...
I looked and saw
bent feathers, flipping and flipping
not alive, not dead
a once beautiful red bird
food now, for another
suicidal sacrifice
A stab to the heart...

deep inside

I know, somewhere deep inside
I should feel lonely, sad, lost, confused..
but I don't
I sit on my balcony,
alone, my dog and me..
listening to the sounds
of the forest, the mountains
watching the deer
skitter about, so close...
peaceful, relaxing, safe..
perched in my nest, in the trees
strangely away from memories
I should have..
am I lonely? am I sad? 
isolated, yes...but in a good way.
safe from my enemies
tucked away, high up..
buffered by countless miles
protected by stranger acquaintances
watching out for each other...
no questions, no opinions, no judgement
just humans, guardians of a displaced
bird....

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