someday...

Someday,  I will really matter to someone, I mean be the most important, person to them...To be first in their life.  I wish.....

Since the day I was born, I have been trying to make people happy, to love me, to think I was important, special.  As a little girl, I tried to so hard to not make people upset, to protect my siblings, to survive a shit childhood...

Then, as a teenager, same thing, doing everything to be accepted, to fit in, to make people love me, at the expense of my own self....

Then marriage, again, I put everything first, husband, house, kids,  because I wanted to please my husband, and to be a mom the kids would love and be proud of...

My husband did not put me first, he put God first.  My kids only wanted what they could get from me...money, whatever...

I failed miserably...Now, I am rewarded with brain damage...I have no choice but to put myself first now...but I don't know how...I am trying to get away from my old life...but by doing this, I am being selfish and self-centered, and cruel to all those around me...and hated by many...

I don't know why I was destined to be last...to be a bottom feeder...trash, wreckage...

I think all I want, ever, is to be loved.  Loved the most, over anybody else,  I want to be number one in someone's life, not number two or less, I want to feel needed, respected, important, loved, cherished...not for someone's gratification but because of me...Sparrow...the woman...

Is this impossible?  I know it is...why do I think things will change and I will be special to someone...?  

I want to feel loved...how do I do that?  How do I ever feel like I am enough for someone?  I have been told "I love you", but it is usually "I love you" if...or "I love you" as a pat answer...I love you is very easy to say...But it has been my life experience that "I love you" means "I love you if you do this or that..." not just "I love you...period"...

I use to think I had a jealously problem....I don't, I have a hurt problem....In my head, I am never nice enough, loveable enough, pretty enough, smart enough, intelligent enough"...I have only been good for whatever "they" want...and I would go along with it, because I want to feel loved and included and cherished, but in reality I am just being used.  

No matter what I do, say, think, act, dress, whatever...it will never be enough, the closest I think I can ever come to being important, is to come in # 2.   Maybe I should settle for being number 2...Obviously I am not destined to be # 1, in anybody's book or world....

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Please note, that what I write, is how I am feeling at that very moment...not how I feel all the time....but I have to write down every thought the moment I am feeling or thinking it, or I will forget....So often my words are scathing, mean, hurtful to myself, whatever, but it is how my mind is working at that moment...My writing is brutally honest and bare for all to see...