someday...

Someday,  I will really matter to someone, I mean be the most important, person to them...To be first in their life.  I wish.....

Since the day I was born, I have been trying to make people happy, to love me, to think I was important, special.  As a little girl, I tried to so hard to not make people upset, to protect my siblings, to survive a shit childhood...

Then, as a teenager, same thing, doing everything to be accepted, to fit in, to make people love me, at the expense of my own self....

Then marriage, again, I put everything first, husband, house, kids,  because I wanted to please my husband, and to be a mom the kids would love and be proud of...

My husband did not put me first, he put God first.  My kids only wanted what they could get from me...money, whatever...

I failed miserably...Now, I am rewarded with brain damage...I have no choice but to put myself first now...but I don't know how...I am trying to get away from my old life...but by doing this, I am being selfish and self-centered, and cruel to all those around me...and hated by many...

I don't know why I was destined to be last...to be a bottom feeder...trash, wreckage...

I think all I want, ever, is to be loved.  Loved the most, over anybody else,  I want to be number one in someone's life, not number two or less, I want to feel needed, respected, important, loved, cherished...not for someone's gratification but because of me...Sparrow...the woman...

Is this impossible?  I know it is...why do I think things will change and I will be special to someone...?  

I want to feel loved...how do I do that?  How do I ever feel like I am enough for someone?  I have been told "I love you", but it is usually "I love you" if...or "I love you" as a pat answer...I love you is very easy to say...But it has been my life experience that "I love you" means "I love you if you do this or that..." not just "I love you...period"...

I use to think I had a jealously problem....I don't, I have a hurt problem....In my head, I am never nice enough, loveable enough, pretty enough, smart enough, intelligent enough"...I have only been good for whatever "they" want...and I would go along with it, because I want to feel loved and included and cherished, but in reality I am just being used.  

No matter what I do, say, think, act, dress, whatever...it will never be enough, the closest I think I can ever come to being important, is to come in # 2.   Maybe I should settle for being number 2...Obviously I am not destined to be # 1, in anybody's book or world....

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Please note, that what I write, is how I am feeling at that very moment...not how I feel all the time....but I have to write down every thought the moment I am feeling or thinking it, or I will forget....So often my words are scathing, mean, hurtful to myself, whatever, but it is how my mind is working at that moment...My writing is brutally honest and bare for all to see...

Jett 1

JETT

I just can't remember if I have written about Jett.  He is a young man that freakishly entered my life, then freakishly left it...I still have a hard time wrapping my head around this young man and the WHY'S....

I first met Jeff...as I was leaving the dog park, around 9 pm after closing it for the evening, I was getting ready to pull out onto the street and I heard a motorcycle go whizzing past me...I pulled out and began to drive over the overpass...on the other side I noticed how slippery the new pavement was, no lines, really rough...and my headlights caught something weird to my left...I looked again, and it was that motorcycle, in a heap on the side of the road.  I immediately pulled to the side with my lights pointing at him and jumped out of the truck...I ran like crazy to the guy and saw that he was wrapped freakishly around a pole...the wheels to his bike were still spinning..  This was Jett...

This was in October of 2015.  Jett was moaning, he was conscious but unresponsive...I immediately saw that the entire left side of his body was twisted and broken in many places (14 broken bones total)...and my first thought was to keep his head and neck stable, keep him conscious, call 911...etc...
I think I straddled him, but did not put my weight on him, or I may have sat next to him, but I placed both my hands on each side of his face and kept him from moving...I started talking to him, I got real close to him and blew in his face...then I made a real high pitch sound with my voice and he looked at me, focused on me...his helmet was off (rolled some 50 feet away) and there was blood under his head...It seemed liked forever for the fire department and ambulance to get there...in that time of waiting, I managed to get his name out of him, and his moms name...but not much else...he had no ideal what had happened to him. so we started talking about dogs and this seemed to calm him some...he kept trying to roll his eyes back and go unconscious but every time he did this I blew in his face and made that high pitch sound...I remember taking some of his pain through my hands...they felt tingly and my head felt pain and my whole body started feeling pain...I think this also helped him stay conscious..

Next thing I remember was all these people around me, cutting his clothes off, putting a neck brace on, doing vitals etc...and not until they were ready to put him on the gurney did they pull me off of him...they knew I needed to stay with him to the last second...Jett needed me...

I somehow contacted his mom, and told her what had happened and where they had taken him... that was it.  I went home...and thought and thought and thought about Jett...What happened to him, did he die, did he live??

Random Thoughts and Questions...

How do I come to terms,
with a forgotten life....


My insecurities,
know no bounds...

Is this the new me, now?
Nothing but a goddamn
burden...

When will I be able to feel,
something I cannot touch...

My gun, is my submissive....

How do I navigate,
a thousand thoughts at once...

Good Lord!
who gets my absence of faith...

Where does God go,
when there is no God...

what is reality,
when fantasy is so real....

what happens to tomorrow,
when today is not enough....

What happens when thoughts collide...
Where does the wreckage go.....