Camping...oh boy

So, as far as I can remember, I have never been camping, especially actually sleeping in a tent...and let me tell you...well...okay:

So my host finds out I have never been camping..Huh, well I guess it was time for this little girly girl to put on her camping panties and go camping...OKAY....

So the tent had cots in it with pillows, so there was that...it was a nice tent for being a tent...however, it did not have air conditioning...huh.

There was a very nice air conditioned bathroom/showers fucking way up the unlit road...but only a freaking stinking outhouse by the tent...huh...

But due to the diligence of the host who brought an extension cord, there was an electrical outlit, and we did have  a box fan, for inside the tent..OKAY...

Now it was discovered that I had never built a campfire...so my task was to start a fire...OKAY...as I stood there with what had to be the look of a deer caught in the headlamps...I was methodically taught about, "tender, kindling, and fuel"  I was taught how to  pile them up in order to get the best fire...What I was not told was: I HAD TO START THE ENTIRE FUCKING FIRE WITH ONE STRIKE OF A MATCH...can you say intimidation? humiliation?embarrassment?...but...wait...I took the matches, and stiffened my back, struck the match, placed it to the tender..and with one strike of the match...I FUCKING STARTED A FIRE!!!!

Haha,  that was so fun, I was so proud of myself!  We were all doing the dance of joy around the campfire...my campfire!!

Now, to the fuck part of the camping...WILDLIFE...mainly big huge black obnoxious fucking crows...

Bad enough, no indoor plumbing/ac/lighting...and with bugs crawling over me...but a family of crows decided to start arguing right outside the fucking tent...at like 1 am...seriously...they pissed me off so much I screamed at them to "shut up!"  and they did!!! For about an hour, then they were back chattering and making all kinds of inhuman/unbird sounds....SWEAR TO GOD, HAD I HAD MY GUN..IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A BLOOD BATH MASSACRE OF THE ENTIRE CROW FAMILY.....

And if that is not enough, trying having to go to the outhouse, so bad, but flat do not want to use the damn thing...but you can't hold it anymore???yep that happened to me....since there were no lights in the tent and I couldn't find my cell phone (of course), I could not find the right zipper door of the tent, so I was told I was unzipping windows and all kinds of shit to try and get out...I believe I was being laughed at...but finally got out of that damn tent, pitch black out, disoriented I contemplated just squatting right outside the tent... NOT REALLY, but some nice kind soul, took my arm and led me to that goddamn stinking outhouse, which at that moment seemed like the Ritz Carlton.   I tried to hold my breath and pee at the same time, but soon discovered I am not coordinated enough to do that, so I had to breathe and smell that, what I can only truly believe is the pit of hell, stench; gagging and peeing..but I did it....and was grateful..

Okay, my opinion of camping in a tent or on the ground...NO...Camping in a 65 foot recreational vehicle, or the Marriott Hotel, YES...will I go camping again?...probably...remember, I like PAIN!!!!