Burden

Webster Dictionary definition of the word "burden"

"something carried, duty, responsibility, something oppressive or worrisome, the bearing of a load"..

This is me.  A burden, burdensome.

My fucked up head, is a burden for those around to me to deal with.  I am oppressive with my physical limitations...people/family feel a duty or responsibility to keep me around...pity...

I am the cross everyone immediately around me has to carry...I am a huge load to bear...exhausting, irritating, monotonous, confused...you name it...

I am such a burden to my husband, parents, kids...I am fucking up the family, destroying everything that was built in the last 35 years...I have destroyed my kids love for me...I have destroyed the dynamic of the perfect life...I bring chaos and despair, confusion and anger to EVERYONE.

I bring shame....Shame on me...for leaving...Shame on me for divorcing a perfect man...Shame on me for leaving Christianity...Shame on me for exploring other avenues of morality and life...Shame on me for crushing my husbands heart...for breaking it into a million fucking pieces..

I hate Oklahoma...I hate me....I am a worthless piece of selfish flesh...Selfish because I am leaving my life...selfish because I am hurting everyone...selfish because I am hoping I will be loved and accepted for me...Selfish to think I am just a normal woman with emotional needs...

Brain injury, has turned me into a burdensome monster....I am no longer normal...Instead of being called "Sparrow", I need to be called "Burden"....