Clouds/Island

Clouds

How can my head be in the clouds
when I need my feet on the ground..
How can I manage life
when it is passing me by..
Where do I go
when I have nowhere to go...
I swim and swim
yet drowning is so close..
I run,
but stay motionless.
I speak, whisper, yell and scream
but no one hears me..
My head in the clouds
my feet on the ground..
how is that even possible??

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Island

I am an island
surrounded by rough seas
where sharks are waiting
to devour me...
Every new tide
inches closer and closer
to drown me..,.
All that water
yet I am dying of thirst..
Alone, except for the natives
who haunt me..
No purpose, no direction
no compass..no boat
No escape...no rescue..
So I wait,
for the sea to take me....

Burden

Webster Dictionary definition of the word "burden"

"something carried, duty, responsibility, something oppressive or worrisome, the bearing of a load"..

This is me.  A burden, burdensome.

My fucked up head, is a burden for those around to me to deal with.  I am oppressive with my physical limitations...people/family feel a duty or responsibility to keep me around...pity...

I am the cross everyone immediately around me has to carry...I am a huge load to bear...exhausting, irritating, monotonous, confused...you name it...

I am such a burden to my husband, parents, kids...I am fucking up the family, destroying everything that was built in the last 35 years...I have destroyed my kids love for me...I have destroyed the dynamic of the perfect life...I bring chaos and despair, confusion and anger to EVERYONE.

I bring shame....Shame on me...for leaving...Shame on me for divorcing a perfect man...Shame on me for leaving Christianity...Shame on me for exploring other avenues of morality and life...Shame on me for crushing my husbands heart...for breaking it into a million fucking pieces..

I hate Oklahoma...I hate me....I am a worthless piece of selfish flesh...Selfish because I am leaving my life...selfish because I am hurting everyone...selfish because I am hoping I will be loved and accepted for me...Selfish to think I am just a normal woman with emotional needs...

Brain injury, has turned me into a burdensome monster....I am no longer normal...Instead of being called "Sparrow", I need to be called "Burden"....

Perfect Man

Perfect Man


He was the perfect man..
  he was; a perfect provider
               a perfect father
               a perfect spouse
               perfect all around...

Until he wasn't..
  still a: perfect father
          perfect papa
          perfect provider..but..

He is not perfect for me..
  not anymore
  not ever..

Good bye, perfect man,
I no longer need perfection...
         

Camping...oh boy

So, as far as I can remember, I have never been camping, especially actually sleeping in a tent...and let me tell you...well...okay:

So my host finds out I have never been camping..Huh, well I guess it was time for this little girly girl to put on her camping panties and go camping...OKAY....

So the tent had cots in it with pillows, so there was that...it was a nice tent for being a tent...however, it did not have air conditioning...huh.

There was a very nice air conditioned bathroom/showers fucking way up the unlit road...but only a freaking stinking outhouse by the tent...huh...

But due to the diligence of the host who brought an extension cord, there was an electrical outlit, and we did have  a box fan, for inside the tent..OKAY...

Now it was discovered that I had never built a campfire...so my task was to start a fire...OKAY...as I stood there with what had to be the look of a deer caught in the headlamps...I was methodically taught about, "tender, kindling, and fuel"  I was taught how to  pile them up in order to get the best fire...What I was not told was: I HAD TO START THE ENTIRE FUCKING FIRE WITH ONE STRIKE OF A MATCH...can you say intimidation? humiliation?embarrassment?...but...wait...I took the matches, and stiffened my back, struck the match, placed it to the tender..and with one strike of the match...I FUCKING STARTED A FIRE!!!!

Haha,  that was so fun, I was so proud of myself!  We were all doing the dance of joy around the campfire...my campfire!!

Now, to the fuck part of the camping...WILDLIFE...mainly big huge black obnoxious fucking crows...

Bad enough, no indoor plumbing/ac/lighting...and with bugs crawling over me...but a family of crows decided to start arguing right outside the fucking tent...at like 1 am...seriously...they pissed me off so much I screamed at them to "shut up!"  and they did!!! For about an hour, then they were back chattering and making all kinds of inhuman/unbird sounds....SWEAR TO GOD, HAD I HAD MY GUN..IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A BLOOD BATH MASSACRE OF THE ENTIRE CROW FAMILY.....

And if that is not enough, trying having to go to the outhouse, so bad, but flat do not want to use the damn thing...but you can't hold it anymore???yep that happened to me....since there were no lights in the tent and I couldn't find my cell phone (of course), I could not find the right zipper door of the tent, so I was told I was unzipping windows and all kinds of shit to try and get out...I believe I was being laughed at...but finally got out of that damn tent, pitch black out, disoriented I contemplated just squatting right outside the tent... NOT REALLY, but some nice kind soul, took my arm and led me to that goddamn stinking outhouse, which at that moment seemed like the Ritz Carlton.   I tried to hold my breath and pee at the same time, but soon discovered I am not coordinated enough to do that, so I had to breathe and smell that, what I can only truly believe is the pit of hell, stench; gagging and peeing..but I did it....and was grateful..

Okay, my opinion of camping in a tent or on the ground...NO...Camping in a 65 foot recreational vehicle, or the Marriott Hotel, YES...will I go camping again?...probably...remember, I like PAIN!!!!

Questions

Questions..


It's hard to not be happy,
when you're happy..

It's hard to not be sad,
when you're sad...

It's hard to not think,
when you overthink...

How can you sleep,
when you're not sleepy..

How do you breathe,
when you're holding your breath..

Finally...

How do you dream,
when you never close your eyes....

Washington DC VISIT

So I flew into our nations capital for the 4th of july holiday.  What a bustling little town...

We got up early as shit, and started our day sightseeing all the monuments, capital, smithsonian, etc...It was so hot and humid and our "tour guide" was a bit of a masochist...He walked us and walked us, I bet we walked more than 10 fucking miles in blazing heat...I thought I was gonna die...

Finally, I had fucking had it with walking, I was either going to be carried, or I was sitting under a tree and not moving...I chose a tree..I sat down and refused to budge...he had to end up hiking to the car and coming to get me...The car was only like 4 blocks away, but when I am done...I am done...

Surprise...the next day, both my feet had blisters..He fucking walked blisters on my feet..BUT, I do have to say, the blisters were my fault, as I wore flip flops.  Note to self:  NEVER WEAR FLIP FLOPS WHEN SIGHTSEEING...

One Thing

I ask of you,
one thing...
"What will be?"

I ask of you,
one thing..
"Why love me?"

I ask of you,
one thing..
"Would you change?"

I ask of you,
one thing..
"When is too late?"

I ask of you,
one thing..
"Where is forever?"

I ask of you,
one thing..
"Will I be there?"

I ask, one thing....

Stalemate/ Battle Within

Does anybody hear me?
Screaming into my brain..

Can you feel me?
the calluses of old wounds
oozing my waste of iniquity...

Scar tissue, scraped away..
and left, raw, open, electric..

I try and heal,
these old battle injuries..
continuing to fight..
no safe word, no white flag...

A stalemate of ruin..

never good,
never gone,
never dead...

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My head wants war,
my heart wants peace..
my body wants battle,
my soul wants forgiveness.
my will wants to fight,
my spirit wants "surrender"
This battle within,
I live....

Flutter

I hear tiny voices
singing in my veins...

An opera of heartache,
a symphony of hope...

Eye lashes flutter
as memories falter...

And I am left, wandering,
in my new wonderland....

or....my new wasteland..

streams

I have,
flowing through my veins,
streams of indecision..

Permeating the soil,
my spirit grows from..

They hide seeds of wisdom,
and seeds of despair...

That bloom from my heart,
and sprout along my soul..

Lost at Sea

Where do I belong?
Who do I belong with? to..
        how long?,
will he have me? 
        am I a keeper?
        or a toss back...
Where do I go from here?
What is my purpose?
Do I have a purpose?
I feel lost, at times..
         swimming upstream
         against the currents,
         the sharks....
Hoping I will survive another day..


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I am a ship,
lost at sea..
going wherever,
my sails take me...
drifting,
scattered by the waves..
trying to survive
storms to come...
No life vest,
sink, or swim...
How long,
can I swim?...