Who am I?

Who the fuck am I??  Why the fuck am I even on this earth?  Since my birth, my life has been one big cluster fuck...

I had parents, especially a mother, who didn't want me, a mother that failed to nuture me, who resented my birth, even told me so...A mom who pawned me off on her sisters to raise me..A mom who shipped me off to my "father" when she was sick of looking at me or dealing with me.  Then when he had had enough of me, back to my moms.   I was taught nothing about being a daughter, a woman...I was beat and abused, and tossed about like trash being thrown out of a car window..

I raised myself...trying to survive in my shit situation, that was me...I sought out pain and destruction because that is all I know...I only know how to hurt...My father (birth father) tried to love me, but by the time I realized he truly loved me, he was dead..

Then the universe in its infinite wisdom, decided to punish me more by a head injury and subsequent brain tumors, brain cancer...and if that was not enough, brain surgery permanently destroyed my frontal lobe, changing me into the new monster I am now..

I have never been anyone but :punching bag, wife, mother, and housekeeper...I have only done three things right, my three children...for some fuck reason, despite me as fuck mom, my kids have grown up into beautiful responsible adults, and I have my husband to thank for that...Certainly wasn't me...

 I tried "religion" so I could feel loved by a God/Jesus...That fell flat, because there is no love in religion, no merciful loving God...Just look at my life, look at all the other shit lives that a "loving God"  has created...what a joke and colossal waste of years of my life trying to be the good little Christian girl... Thank God in all things...FUCK THAT SHIT..

I don't blame my mom, dad and upbringing on my shit life...I blame God for even being conceived, and I blame him for turning his back on me, for turning his back on that battered little girl, on that confused messed up teenager, and that grown woman who does not know how to love or be loved...All of my decisions were predetermined, I was predetermined in the womb, to be a worthless unloveable child, to be a rebellious dangerous teenager, and a fucked up wife with multiple brain tumors...and a worthless drain on society..

There is only "one" thing that brings me joy and makes me feel loved and cherished, and I am doing my goddamnest to ruin that too...WHY???   WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??? 

MY HEART

My heart
needs spanking
my heart
is defective
my heart
pumps dirt
through my veins
My heart
still beats
Even though
I am already dead..
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Its a lonely walk
through my heart

just empty chambers
of plastic flowers

dark passages
of silent foot steps

and dirt
where life once was...