Frustration

Everyone gets frustrated at times.  That is normal, feeling frustrated.  But with me, and this fucking brain shit I have to deal with, frustration can be deadly and harmful...

For instance, I went to a Rope tying class.  To learn how to make decorative knots and shit like that with rope.  It is actually a beautiful thing .   Anyhow, only three knots were introduced..fucking beginning knots that a child could easily master...BUT NO< NOT ME...

Watching someone do the knot, it was extremely easy, not intricate at all...then when I tried to do it...My fuck brain would just seize up...literally freeze (like a goddamn computer screen freezes)...it was so embarrassing for me, because I felt like an idiot having to have others and the instructor correct me or show me over and over...The class was full, easily 50 people, and I am the only one that couldn't even fucking tie a basic knot...Make matters worse, nobody knows I have all this fucking brain shit that makes me basically a toddler...so I am sure I just came across as a dumb blonde...AND THAT IN ITSELF DRIVES ME INSANE, because I am now, because of this goddamn brain injury, a dumb blonde.  To the world and society I am THE DUMB BLONDE..I wouldn't even be surprised if I am not the butt of a blonde joke in regards to tying a knot..."How does a blonde tie a knot?  I don't know, how does a blonde tie a knot?, she doesn't, she just stares at the rope like an idiot." 

I get angry so easy, I get frustrated even easier, and the frustration makes me crazy...especially when I know I CAN do something, but my fuck brain won't let me...I can't hold a job, I can't even hold a volunteer position (as I was fired from my last fucking volunteer position) and NOW I CANT EVEN TIE A KNOT...Just wanna beat my head against a wall....

Do you understand how useless, inept and incredibly stupid I feel that I am?

I am an educated smart woman, even scored a 128 on an IQ test in college...or at least I WAS a smart intelligent woman until ALMIGHTY GOD decided I was not suppose to be intelligent, so lets fuck up her brain and put her in the "dumb blonde idiot" category...

See I can no longer do the things I learned in college and school, they are fucking erased from my memory, so I have to try and learn new things, and I CAN"T...my brain just simply will not process and keep new information..And I am trying so hard to adapt to this new mind, but it is hard, frustrating, and just makes me feel useless and sad...Because I just don't know what kind of a future there is for me...