Frustration

Everyone gets frustrated at times.  That is normal, feeling frustrated.  But with me, and this fucking brain shit I have to deal with, frustration can be deadly and harmful...

For instance, I went to a Rope tying class.  To learn how to make decorative knots and shit like that with rope.  It is actually a beautiful thing .   Anyhow, only three knots were introduced..fucking beginning knots that a child could easily master...BUT NO< NOT ME...

Watching someone do the knot, it was extremely easy, not intricate at all...then when I tried to do it...My fuck brain would just seize up...literally freeze (like a goddamn computer screen freezes)...it was so embarrassing for me, because I felt like an idiot having to have others and the instructor correct me or show me over and over...The class was full, easily 50 people, and I am the only one that couldn't even fucking tie a basic knot...Make matters worse, nobody knows I have all this fucking brain shit that makes me basically a toddler...so I am sure I just came across as a dumb blonde...AND THAT IN ITSELF DRIVES ME INSANE, because I am now, because of this goddamn brain injury, a dumb blonde.  To the world and society I am THE DUMB BLONDE..I wouldn't even be surprised if I am not the butt of a blonde joke in regards to tying a knot..."How does a blonde tie a knot?  I don't know, how does a blonde tie a knot?, she doesn't, she just stares at the rope like an idiot." 

I get angry so easy, I get frustrated even easier, and the frustration makes me crazy...especially when I know I CAN do something, but my fuck brain won't let me...I can't hold a job, I can't even hold a volunteer position (as I was fired from my last fucking volunteer position) and NOW I CANT EVEN TIE A KNOT...Just wanna beat my head against a wall....

Do you understand how useless, inept and incredibly stupid I feel that I am?

I am an educated smart woman, even scored a 128 on an IQ test in college...or at least I WAS a smart intelligent woman until ALMIGHTY GOD decided I was not suppose to be intelligent, so lets fuck up her brain and put her in the "dumb blonde idiot" category...

See I can no longer do the things I learned in college and school, they are fucking erased from my memory, so I have to try and learn new things, and I CAN"T...my brain just simply will not process and keep new information..And I am trying so hard to adapt to this new mind, but it is hard, frustrating, and just makes me feel useless and sad...Because I just don't know what kind of a future there is for me...

Who am I?

Who the fuck am I??  Why the fuck am I even on this earth?  Since my birth, my life has been one big cluster fuck...

I had parents, especially a mother, who didn't want me, a mother that failed to nuture me, who resented my birth, even told me so...A mom who pawned me off on her sisters to raise me..A mom who shipped me off to my "father" when she was sick of looking at me or dealing with me.  Then when he had had enough of me, back to my moms.   I was taught nothing about being a daughter, a woman...I was beat and abused, and tossed about like trash being thrown out of a car window..

I raised myself...trying to survive in my shit situation, that was me...I sought out pain and destruction because that is all I know...I only know how to hurt...My father (birth father) tried to love me, but by the time I realized he truly loved me, he was dead..

Then the universe in its infinite wisdom, decided to punish me more by a head injury and subsequent brain tumors, brain cancer...and if that was not enough, brain surgery permanently destroyed my frontal lobe, changing me into the new monster I am now..

I have never been anyone but :punching bag, wife, mother, and housekeeper...I have only done three things right, my three children...for some fuck reason, despite me as fuck mom, my kids have grown up into beautiful responsible adults, and I have my husband to thank for that...Certainly wasn't me...

 I tried "religion" so I could feel loved by a God/Jesus...That fell flat, because there is no love in religion, no merciful loving God...Just look at my life, look at all the other shit lives that a "loving God"  has created...what a joke and colossal waste of years of my life trying to be the good little Christian girl... Thank God in all things...FUCK THAT SHIT..

I don't blame my mom, dad and upbringing on my shit life...I blame God for even being conceived, and I blame him for turning his back on me, for turning his back on that battered little girl, on that confused messed up teenager, and that grown woman who does not know how to love or be loved...All of my decisions were predetermined, I was predetermined in the womb, to be a worthless unloveable child, to be a rebellious dangerous teenager, and a fucked up wife with multiple brain tumors...and a worthless drain on society..

There is only "one" thing that brings me joy and makes me feel loved and cherished, and I am doing my goddamnest to ruin that too...WHY???   WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??? 

MY HEART

My heart
needs spanking
my heart
is defective
my heart
pumps dirt
through my veins
My heart
still beats
Even though
I am already dead..
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Its a lonely walk
through my heart

just empty chambers
of plastic flowers

dark passages
of silent foot steps

and dirt
where life once was...

Hurt vs Hurting

HURT VS HURTING

How to describe "hurt"
cuts, bruises, broken bones..."hurt"

Sadness, abandonment, betrayal, fear.."hurting"
One thing, to be "hurt"
another, to be "hurting"

My tears fall, when I am "hurting"
I don't cry, when I am "hurt"..

My heart is "hurting" because I am walking
away from a life I no longer scant remember,
walking away from familiar strangers...

My heart is "hurting" because I have no choice..
the only way to curb the pain, is to go away
go and make new memories to replace the ones that have left me..


This is NOT easy for me...If anyone thinks this is...think again..
I have to put my "hurting" first..
Its time...I have been hurting for years, literally...

I wonder what it will be like to not be "hurting" anymore.. The fucking Christian religion says to put God first, then others then yourself....

God, betrayed me...God betrays his people..Supposedly I was one of his people...yet, he didn't give a fuck to heal me or whatever..
I guess he has his favorites and obviously, I am not one of them.

Which is fine with me...I don't need the fucking Christian guilty conscience "hurting" me..I hurt enough...

I have put others first my entire life...protecting my siblings from a monster stepfather...trying to please others, I gave my husband 35 yrs of my life..I put him first, then the kids..somewhere along the way, God...in his infinite wisdom, decided to punish me for all my years of putting others first...Well, guess what??  I am done trying to please God, and others...If I want to stop "hurting" then I come first...Sparrow is worthy of not being hurt...She matters, and she is tired of "hurting"...

I will not apologize anymore...I am determined to stop "hurting"...

No Words

NO WORDS

There are no words
to describe,
my love for you.

I stare
at a blank page

I search for words
in the book
of my mind..

I only see
page after page
of empty lines...

I keep turning
ever searching
for our word...

I won't stop...

My Heart

MY HEART

My heart
needs spanking


My heart
is defective

My heart
pumps dirt
through my veins

My heart
is deformed

My heart
still beats

Even though,
I am already dead....

Lilly

LILLY

I dressed my doll in long sleeves and long pants
to hide her bruises
I take care of her/my doll

She takes care of me,
my Lilly, doll...

She helps me sleep
when my head is exploding.
She speaks for me
when I cannot talk..
She is brave for me
when I am scared..
She fights for me
when I am angry..

Lilly absorbs my pain
she soothes me..

Lilly is my friend,
my protector, my soul...

Lilly is me...

feather/confusion

FEATHER

I am a feather
light as air..
drifting, floating
wherever the winds
take me...

Rising, spinning
gliding back to earth
to rest
on a bed of grass..

Only,
to be stepped on..
again..


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CONFUSION

Confusion sets in
when I can't think
when I can't breathe

Confusion sets in
when I can't feel
when I feel too much

Confusion sets in
when I am lonely
when I am scared

Confusion sets in
when I am in love...

Love confuses me....Love IS confusing...

Love, to me

LOVE

I know its love: When...

it makes me smile
it makes me laugh
it makes me cry
it makes me sad
it gives me desire
it gives me fear
it gives me tenderness
it hurts me
it consumes my thoughts
it haunts me
it craves attention
it makes me happy

I know its love when every emotion can be felt all at once,  when love captures me and keeps me hostage...