Firsts, that hurt, first that heal

So my 2 month journey is over...I am back in my house...but it is no longer my home...I have scant memories of raising children here,  a man I gave 40+ years of my life...was in this house...a man I, again, have scant memories of...

For me, it is easy...I just fucking don't remember my life, not really, I have no feelings or emotions to attach to "Family memories, family photos, weddings, mine, etc...because I don't remember them.  This is what is hurting my husband so much...he has all those memories, feelings, emotions attached...

I asked him  "how did you feel when you performed open heart surgery?"   I asked him that out of the blue...he just looked at me confused, and was like "what?"  NO MEMORY< NO FEELINGS..because in his mind he was never a surgeon....

THAT IS AN EXAMPLE OF MY HEAD...

So, what we are going through now...is so fucking much more complicated, because he remembers everything, I don't....and I am not being vengeful or trying to hurt him or anybody...I just need to be alone, not married...free

I have already mourned the death of my past and past memories, and fucking past personality/person...I am coming to terms with my new reality, my new mind...My husband said, I am like "Phinneus Gage"   well, whatever...I am Sparrow

To reach ecstasy
there is pain, first..

To be free
there is prison, first..

To live,
there is breath, first...

To be perfect
there is mistakes, first...

To love
there has to be trust, first...