Saturday, May 19, 2018

decisions

I have made the decision to leave my marriage...after being gone for 2 months driving through the south, I realized that independence is something I have never experienced...Being alone for 5000 miles made me the happiest I can ever remember..

Deciding to end my marriage was not a spur of the moment decision...It has been evolving for some time, years...Since the radiation damage to my brain back in 2009, I have been slowly forgetting my life...forgetting key memories of my husband, my kids, and myself...I did not even know for the first years that my mind was erasing memories...0ne day, with a shock, I discovered that I did not remember being pregnant, giving birth, my wedding, adopting our son...When my kids became adults they would recall events in their childhood and talk about growing up and I just could not remember the events they were speaking of...I would draw a blank...Then one day I realized that I was not in love with my husband, he was actually becoming a stranger to me,  he started getting on my nerves and I didn't want to be with him anymore sexually or even as a wife...I also changed in my head what I was raised to believe about God and religion...That God consciousness that people have, I no longer have...there is no connection...my husband is a deeply religious man,  I am basically agnostic...my words, actions, behavior, morals etc became over the years in direct opposition to his...I stopped going to church shortly after the surgery...I couldn't stand the noise, crowd, and people wanting to hug me...I slowly started even forgetting who those people were that I have known for more than 30 yrs...they just fucking left my mind...so, as this TBI progressed I was mentally distancing myself from my current reality...unconsciously walking away from a life I was fast forgetting...I also was unconsciously walking away from my spouse...about 5 yrs ago I started saying I wanted a divorce and telling my husband I do not love him...but the coward in me, could not take that any further...but my desire to leave was overwhelming me...I was so confused, scared, angry..I wanted to die...So I started  fixating on death...I couldn't bring myself to divorce..I was too fearful of the what- ifs being alone...so I was just going to kill myself...and I tried...and I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks...the doctors at the hospital put me on like 10 different pills, and I had therapy..The drugs made me a zombie, made me dazed and pliable..took away any emotions I had...so I quit taking them. Once my mind was clear and free of drugs, I knew what I needed to do....I needed to get away to think about the rest of my life...do I want to do the safe and "right" thing, stay in a 35 yr marriage for the security and the kids?? or get away and experience total independence, put myself into a situation that was completely out of my comfort zone and see if I could deal...so, I left.  Drove 5000 miles, and experienced freedom...That was when I made up my mind once and for all...I wanted/needed to leave my marriage, my marriage and situation was slowly killing me...zapping me of my breath...being free, gave me my breath back...and I also realized that I am strong enough to be alone, to live alone...Yes my brain is damaged...but not in a way that I cannot take care of myself, be responsible and or lead a single life..it is damaged in that, my personality, my identity is new...I am a new person, in my  mind...I am not Melissa anymore, she is dead and gone...I am Sparrow, a little bird flying free...

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