Sparrow??

So I was asked, "How did you come about to become called Sparrow"...

The book I am co/writing was tentatively called "A Wounded Brain"...after a poem I had written about having a wounded brain.

I also penned another poem called "Sparrow"

SPARROW

she closes her eyes
imagines she can fly..

she watches the road
lay out before her..

she is a bird
chasing the wind..

soaring away
into the clouds..

searching for a safe 
place to land..

She is a Sparrow
so tiny
against the sky..


I was comparing myself to that little bird...I decided to get a tattoo of this poem, and my tattoo artist drew up a pic of a sparrow chasing the wind...so I had that tattooed to my calf..

I decided to change the name of the book to "Sparrow"..I started a blog, mksparrow...

One day, and I am not sure who said this, but one day a friend of mine called me Sparrow...and when I heard that I got such a warm feeling...it felt right..I am a little Sparrow...So, I decided to be called that...I really quit being Melissa a long time ago...

decisions

I have made the decision to leave my marriage...after being gone for 2 months driving through the south, I realized that independence is something I have never experienced...Being alone for 5000 miles made me the happiest I can ever remember..

Deciding to end my marriage was not a spur of the moment decision...It has been evolving for some time, years...Since the radiation damage to my brain back in 2009, I have been slowly forgetting my life...forgetting key memories of my husband, my kids, and myself...I did not even know for the first years that my mind was erasing memories...0ne day, with a shock, I discovered that I did not remember being pregnant, giving birth, my wedding, adopting our son...When my kids became adults they would recall events in their childhood and talk about growing up and I just could not remember the events they were speaking of...I would draw a blank...Then one day I realized that I was not in love with my husband, he was actually becoming a stranger to me,  he started getting on my nerves and I didn't want to be with him anymore sexually or even as a wife...I also changed in my head what I was raised to believe about God and religion...That God consciousness that people have, I no longer have...there is no connection...my husband is a deeply religious man,  I am basically agnostic...my words, actions, behavior, morals etc became over the years in direct opposition to his...I stopped going to church shortly after the surgery...I couldn't stand the noise, crowd, and people wanting to hug me...I slowly started even forgetting who those people were that I have known for more than 30 yrs...they just fucking left my mind...so, as this TBI progressed I was mentally distancing myself from my current reality...unconsciously walking away from a life I was fast forgetting...I also was unconsciously walking away from my spouse...about 5 yrs ago I started saying I wanted a divorce and telling my husband I do not love him...but the coward in me, could not take that any further...but my desire to leave was overwhelming me...I was so confused, scared, angry..I wanted to die...So I started  fixating on death...I couldn't bring myself to divorce..I was too fearful of the what- ifs being alone...so I was just going to kill myself...and I tried...and I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks...the doctors at the hospital put me on like 10 different pills, and I had therapy..The drugs made me a zombie, made me dazed and pliable..took away any emotions I had...so I quit taking them. Once my mind was clear and free of drugs, I knew what I needed to do....I needed to get away to think about the rest of my life...do I want to do the safe and "right" thing, stay in a 35 yr marriage for the security and the kids?? or get away and experience total independence, put myself into a situation that was completely out of my comfort zone and see if I could deal...so, I left.  Drove 5000 miles, and experienced freedom...That was when I made up my mind once and for all...I wanted/needed to leave my marriage, my marriage and situation was slowly killing me...zapping me of my breath...being free, gave me my breath back...and I also realized that I am strong enough to be alone, to live alone...Yes my brain is damaged...but not in a way that I cannot take care of myself, be responsible and or lead a single life..it is damaged in that, my personality, my identity is new...I am a new person, in my  mind...I am not Melissa anymore, she is dead and gone...I am Sparrow, a little bird flying free...

Love?

LOVE is a fucking awful word..What the fuck does it even mean???

I love dogs

I love beer

I love my kids

I love pain

love love love

I fucking hate that word...Using the word "love" is exactly like saying "I will pray for you..."  just a fucking pat word, pat answer, to console or manipulate...

Love just stabs and mutilates the heart..

I looked up the word "love" in the dictionary...it had over 23 different connotations...love your kids, sexual love, affection etc...

The word "love" is just another word for "hypocrite"...saying love to someone can mean any fucking thing...just like hypocrites, they say "this and that" but the meaning behind it is left for interpretation...

Saying "I  love you" to another person, is just patting them on the back to make them feel better...to give false hope or encouragement, when really "love" is just not.

Love...does not heal, help, or do  anything positive...in the end it hurts, cuts, and is not real...love is betrayal of the heart, betrayal of the mind..

I am taking that word, out of my vocabulary...it is vulgar and offensive to me.....

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I wrote the above in the midst of an inappropriate emotional response to a positive word/emotion......this is me...my insecurities and fear and knee jerk actions, my emotional abuse I inflict upon myself....a statement of my "fear of being loved, completely and truly.." I battle these raw thoughts and emotions..they consume me and fucking cloud my mind...so I vent...often putting my foot in my mouth...only I do not apologize...because I know I will do it again..I will not be a hypocrite...

Firsts, that hurt, first that heal

So my 2 month journey is over...I am back in my house...but it is no longer my home...I have scant memories of raising children here,  a man I gave 40+ years of my life...was in this house...a man I, again, have scant memories of...

For me, it is easy...I just fucking don't remember my life, not really, I have no feelings or emotions to attach to "Family memories, family photos, weddings, mine, etc...because I don't remember them.  This is what is hurting my husband so much...he has all those memories, feelings, emotions attached...

I asked him  "how did you feel when you performed open heart surgery?"   I asked him that out of the blue...he just looked at me confused, and was like "what?"  NO MEMORY< NO FEELINGS..because in his mind he was never a surgeon....

THAT IS AN EXAMPLE OF MY HEAD...

So, what we are going through now...is so fucking much more complicated, because he remembers everything, I don't....and I am not being vengeful or trying to hurt him or anybody...I just need to be alone, not married...free

I have already mourned the death of my past and past memories, and fucking past personality/person...I am coming to terms with my new reality, my new mind...My husband said, I am like "Phinneus Gage"   well, whatever...I am Sparrow

To reach ecstasy
there is pain, first..

To be free
there is prison, first..

To live,
there is breath, first...

To be perfect
there is mistakes, first...

To love
there has to be trust, first...

Vagabond Girl

When I was in Oklahoma, I stayed in a 10 mile radius of my house...I hated traveling and even driving...But March 16, 2018 I got in my car and started driving...I drove to Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, North and South Carolina, Virginia, Georgia..spent time in Memphis, Pigeon Forge, Nashville, Arkansas, Charlette NC, Opelika, staying in hotels (thank you Hotels.com and smart phones!!) and thank God for GPS and the Waze app, Staying with friends and family in South Carolina, Holly Springs NC, Roanoke Virginia and other cities..Saw so many historical civil war memorials, toured Beale Street in Memphis, Broadway Street in Nashville, Charleston SC battery, A Presidential Library, went bowling, miniature golf, flown in a private airplane, went to the beach, saw Auburn University, played pool...even fucking sang Karaokie..!! I have gotten three tattoos in memory of my experience and met many many very cool people..AND I discovered that I like to drive, cruising through the southern states I discovered the fucking beauty, the landscapes, the history, and the awesomeness of the universe...I also connected with some friends in a new way...I opened myself up to a brand new "scary" life, that I am anxious and excited to continue to learn about...All those pictures are in the album I keep in my head, that way I won't forget my journey, I can open the pictures and remember...I wrote this...

A Vagabond Girl

A vagabond girl,
where the wind blows,
there she will go..

If the scent catches her,
there she will go...

If the voice captures her,
there she will go..

If the touch, tingles her,
there she will go..

This vagabond girl,
follow your lead,
GO...

Forever Ache

God, being a fucking head case is such hard work...I am tired of people telling me "you are choosing to be this way or that"  that some things I "suffer" from are not real, but just "acting out" or "faking it"....I know that some people are just ignorant or do not understand so therefore they deny....I know that I am mentally deteriorating, going more and more into my head..I cannot control this depression, I cannot control her, I cannot control my thoughts or actions..my anger explodes into rage at the drop of a hat...my eyes well up with tears that are reluctant to fall...

If I could cry
I would cry so easily..
I can't cry
so I just ache...
I ache for tears
I ache for emotional release
I ache to feel...
But, I am all locked up
the door to my heart
slammed shut,
bolted, chained, sealed
so tears
cannot be found,
tears cannot escape..
Tears and pain
pound on my hearts door
begging to be free,
longing to run
but they are shackled
to that forever ache...

In My Head

In my head,
I tell myself,
I am ugly
I am a bad person
I am a loser
everything I do,
is wrong...
everything I think,
is wrong,
everything I say,
is wrong....

I feel like,
a fool
a fake
a non-person...

I cannot accept,
love
encouragement
praise
compliments
they are all lies...
In my head...

positive words
only create doubt,
fear, anger..

I hate myself
I hate my life
I hate my feelings
I hate my body
my mind
my soul....

I can never accept love,
because love does not exist,
In my head....

Song Bird

Song Bird


when I hear birds sing
my heart rests..

I try to listen
to the chirps,
so I can hum along...

I close my eyes
and imagine,
the birds on stage...

beautiful voices
beautiful music
a singing bird without a cage...

go sing, dance
lift your wings...

be free, song bird
sing for me......

oopsy

So, I made hotel reservations for Nashville online...the hotel I made the reservations with looked okay...online....I got there to the hotel and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD  what a fucking dump...even had a hooker working next door to me in another room...well shit, I have nothing against "working girls" but I am a single woman and don't want to get swept up in a VICE ring or whatever...I told the dude at the front desk that I just flat did not feel safe here and he gave me a complete refund...Now I am at a very nice and safe hotel!!! 

My first full day in Nashville TN and it is fucking pouring down rain!!! sigh  I was wanting to explore Broadway street!!!  Hopefully the rain will stop...