Memories lie

I have discovered that some memories I have, are not real memories...they are memories I put away...I doctored...so that I could handle them...

If I could have taken a lie detector test with my memory, I would have passed...that is how convinced I was that a certain memory was true....but...I found out it was not accurate at all...

The shock of that truth, splashed into my face like ice cold water....now I question everything...why, did I think that, what really happened,  how much was truth, how much was told to me, how much do I actually remember...???

My head is trying to refire...the memory passages that were damaged by TBI and radiation poisoning are trying to find new routes to expose themselves to me...but they come at weird times, triggered by smells, words, situations.....they make no sense, they have no sense of order...they seem like chaos...

They fucking scare the shit out of me....I found some old writings, I wrote while in my 20's, obviously before the head injury...seems I was wrote about my childhood abuses, my teenage years and the fuck weird things I was involved in...I had put all that away to bed in my head when the head injury occurred...the tumor occurred...the radiation occurred...Then massive amounts of meds kept the memories asleep...

Now, drug free, my brain is trying to wake up and tell me everything...BUT I am afraid to know...I want to stay ignorant...I don't want to remember...the memories hurt, haunt, nag...provoking me to have to address my emotions...to try and figure out what to feel....

And then a memory will pop in...then it is gone...they seem to not stay...shock and awe...they attack me, leave me awe struck by their destruction, then they are gone...leaving me to wonder why there is so much damage to my emotions...

they leave my crying inside....wanting more...wanting them to stop...