fucking head pain

So, way back in 2008, when these damn headaches started, I was convinced that once we did the brain surgery to kill the tumor, the pain would stop.  My brain surgeon told me, that even after the SRBS (Stereotactic Radiation Brain Surgery), I would still have the headaches, that those had nothing to  do with the brain tumor....WAIT WHAT??  the headaches are what led me to finding the brain tumor....so DUH, the tumor is causing the pain...I fucking argued with that surgeon like crazy....

enter SRBS...14 beams of radiation shot in my frontal lobe tumor...a fucking star wars episode in my brain...two weeks or so later....fucking headaches and pain....THE doc was right...

So surgery did not stop the pain...but supposedly killed the tumor.....yea fuck that....
The pain is ridiculous, and now, maybe the tumor is dead...but it spawned 6 more...6 more little head pain fuckers....My oncologist radiologist said that the once alive tumor..is now dead, but it is calcified...basically a fucking rock sitting on my sattual sinus vein...THAT IS WHAT IS CAUSING THE PAIN...the location of the tumor....because it was inoperable...radiation was used instead...so duh....yea the pain will still be there because the fucking brain tumor is still there......

Makes sense...but not the fucking kind of sense I want....I WANT THE PAIN TO GO AWAY...

This morning even before I opened my eyes, I could feel my heart in my forehead...pounding away, threatening to burst...I feel sick to my stomach, and I cannot hold a pen to write...the only pain medication I use now is 1600 mg of ibuprophen a day, and marijuana...the pot only takes the edge off the pain and allows me to function....seems the ibuprophen only makes me sick to my stomach...but I think it helps some...When I hurt this bad, I want to go back on demoral...but demoral is my "drug of choice"  I will abuse it...use too much, mix it with alcohol whatever...because with enough demoral I can be fucking pain free.......but....then the seizures will start, the weight loss, and the fucking merry-g0-round of addiction will rear its ugly head...

So, I will suffer in fucking silence...I like having a clear head (no drugs), I like feeling, anything, I like not walking in a fog...with my boots in mud...trudging along...I like being able to focus on my dogs, the outdoors, the sun, the clouds, life.....drugs make me focus on one thing..."doing drugs, finding and getting drugs, and being locked away in my mind..."  I hate even smoking weed, because you have the "finding and getting and using" mentality....I WANT NO PAIN....NO DRUGS....I am just so damn tired of hurting all the fucking time.....all the fucking time....everyday, every night, every waking moment there is a fucking pain monster in my head working overtime....