So, last night was the worst night I have had trying to sleep so far, since being off all my meds....I had horrendous nightmares and night terrors...I dreamed of being wrapped in an old smelly blanket with a burned dead body...I dreamed of being thrown in a shallow grave with a dead animal....I dreamed of a duck's head still quacking even though it was severed..I dreamed of a bunny hopping down the road, screaming...I dreamed of black shades being drawn and not being able to move my feet...like they were encased in cement....
I woke in a cold sweat don't know how many fucking times...afraid to shut my eyes because of ....what was behind them...I think I finally dozed off...but shit...
My little journey is on the downhill decent back into Oklahoma...I don't want to go back...I have so many decisions to make and fucking none of them will be good for me...Oklahoma is Johns world...not mine...my decisions are going to make sooooooooo fucking many people angry, sad, disappointed, hurt..and that is the last thing on this earth I want to do is hurt anyone....hurting myself is one thing...I am the only one affected...I can deal with that...
There are only two things I can think of that will not hurt anyone
1) suck it up and go back to being wife/mother/memaw/servant/slave
2) never go back
I am leaning towards number 2. just fucking disappear...throw my cell phone in the river...ditch my car, my identification and just start walking down the highway...to my final destiny....I would rather die than hurt anyone...no one deserves me...I am a monster...
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