Run to pain/Proof of Life

I run to pain,
it does not scare me..
it soothes me,
calms me, lets me know
I am alive...
Pain proves,
I am still human..
I am not a monster...
If I hurt,
if I bleed,
if I bruise..
its Proof of Life...
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When I rolled up on Jett, wrapped around a pole...His pain was horrendous....yet, I ran to him, I ran to his pain...I tried to take it from him...I did, to a point...14 broken bones, head fracture, neck injury, and I was able to get him to focus on me...I took some of his pain, so he would not die....He gave his pain to me....I embraced it....

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I saw a cement truck roll over and crash on the highway...I heard "pain"  I ran to the pain, the truck, the man inside....he had an ax inside the cab of the truck, when the truck rolled over, the ax came down, swinging and sliced a good portion of the mans face off...really a slab of meat, hanging there...
He was in incredible pain....I took his hand, led him to the side of the highway, took his shirt off, folded it and placed it on the open facial wound...holding the face in place, giving pressure to stop the blood flow....I could feel his pain, pulsing through my veins....I took his pain...he could breathe, he could talk to me..talk to EMSA as soon as they rolled up...without pain, the driver could focus...When the paramedics took the folded shirt off his face and out of my hand....the man's pain came back...
I tried to stay with him...talk to him, but without being able to touch his bloody face, he could not see me...all he could do was feel his face falling off.......

I think about that driver, I think about Jett and the countless other people I have taken their pain from...

When I take on someones physical pain...it hurts...it feels like nails and thorns cutting through my veins as the blood flows freely inside me...It can be excruciating...but it does not make me cry..and it does not deter from me trying to help them....I can deal with pain...I am comfortable with pain...I like the pain....

Pain...is my Proof of Life

fucking head pain

So, way back in 2008, when these damn headaches started, I was convinced that once we did the brain surgery to kill the tumor, the pain would stop.  My brain surgeon told me, that even after the SRBS (Stereotactic Radiation Brain Surgery), I would still have the headaches, that those had nothing to  do with the brain tumor....WAIT WHAT??  the headaches are what led me to finding the brain tumor....so DUH, the tumor is causing the pain...I fucking argued with that surgeon like crazy....

enter SRBS...14 beams of radiation shot in my frontal lobe tumor...a fucking star wars episode in my brain...two weeks or so later....fucking headaches and pain....THE doc was right...

So surgery did not stop the pain...but supposedly killed the tumor.....yea fuck that....
The pain is ridiculous, and now, maybe the tumor is dead...but it spawned 6 more...6 more little head pain fuckers....My oncologist radiologist said that the once alive tumor..is now dead, but it is calcified...basically a fucking rock sitting on my sattual sinus vein...THAT IS WHAT IS CAUSING THE PAIN...the location of the tumor....because it was inoperable...radiation was used instead...so duh....yea the pain will still be there because the fucking brain tumor is still there......

Makes sense...but not the fucking kind of sense I want....I WANT THE PAIN TO GO AWAY...

This morning even before I opened my eyes, I could feel my heart in my forehead...pounding away, threatening to burst...I feel sick to my stomach, and I cannot hold a pen to write...the only pain medication I use now is 1600 mg of ibuprophen a day, and marijuana...the pot only takes the edge off the pain and allows me to function....seems the ibuprophen only makes me sick to my stomach...but I think it helps some...When I hurt this bad, I want to go back on demoral...but demoral is my "drug of choice"  I will abuse it...use too much, mix it with alcohol whatever...because with enough demoral I can be fucking pain free.......but....then the seizures will start, the weight loss, and the fucking merry-g0-round of addiction will rear its ugly head...

So, I will suffer in fucking silence...I like having a clear head (no drugs), I like feeling, anything, I like not walking in a fog...with my boots in mud...trudging along...I like being able to focus on my dogs, the outdoors, the sun, the clouds, life.....drugs make me focus on one thing..."doing drugs, finding and getting drugs, and being locked away in my mind..."  I hate even smoking weed, because you have the "finding and getting and using" mentality....I WANT NO PAIN....NO DRUGS....I am just so damn tired of hurting all the fucking time.....all the fucking time....everyday, every night, every waking moment there is a fucking pain monster in my head working overtime....

Deeper Still

When I try to be a grown up, a full adult woman, I fall flat on my face..I run into walls...I break objects, people.  I think in two different identities...

It should be easy,
natural, beautiful..

It should be fun,
spontaneous, active..

It should be alot of things...

It's a nightmare, for me..
full of anger
full of hurt
full of fears
but, not enough tears...

A touch of love
a touch of lust,
a touch of glass..
smooth, sharp, cutting

Tender shrapnel
slicing my insides,
chopping my brain..
Having no place to go..

But deeper still......

Flying with bro

One of my fears..is flying...especially in itty bitty little airplanes...My brother has his pilots license and decided he needed to take me flying...OKKKKKK...at first, I was like, no fucking way!!!  but part of this trip/journey I am on, is to face my fears head on....soooooooo....lets go flying...

I dogged my brother during the pre-flight inspections...making him explain every little tiny thing to me...then once in the plane, with the engine on...I felt some better because he explained every part of the plane and assured me, it was safe and in perfect working order....so off to the runway we went...

My brother made me feel so at ease in the plane...until he decided to fucking float a pen off the dash...what the hell??? always a brother....

I ended up having a blast on that little bitty paper airplane!!

closing the door

When the doors close
my mind gets dark..

I can't find the light,
I run into walls
I step carefully..
I try to not think..
I try to not breathe..

are my eyes open?
Is my brain working?

I feel along the door,
but can't find the handle
the door stays closed

Its so dark, in my head
but the darkness
is my friend..
it hides the sick mind
that covers my pain...

Keep the doors closed...

photo album in my head

The way my new brain works to try and recall memories is strange....I take lots of pictures, I study those pictures, then I store them away in a photo album I keep on a shelf, in my head...when someone says to me "remember this or remember when"  I pull out that photo album and search for a picture that represents that day or event...if I did not take a picture, then I will not find the memory...if I did take a picture I will pull it out, look at it, and "see" that yes, there is a memory, yes I was there...everywhere I go, I take mental pictures and store them away...sometimes they are there to be recalled, sometimes they are not..

I keep a photo album
in my head
so I can search them
to be read...

an album of memories
old and dusty
colors, emotions, confusion
produced by a pic..

when I need to remember
I scour the album
in my head
I see it, look, study,
think, sadness

No memories, but a photo
in my head....

diary post...tired, frustrated, scared...

So,  last night was the worst night I have had trying to sleep so  far, since being off all my meds....I had horrendous nightmares and night terrors...I dreamed of being wrapped in an old smelly blanket with a burned dead body...I dreamed of being thrown in a shallow grave with a dead animal....I dreamed of a duck's head still quacking even though it was severed..I dreamed of a bunny hopping down the road, screaming...I dreamed of black shades being drawn and not being able to move my feet...like they were encased in cement....

I woke in a cold sweat don't know how many fucking times...afraid to shut my eyes  because of ....what was behind them...I think I finally dozed off...but shit...

My little journey is on the downhill decent back into Oklahoma...I don't want to go back...I have so many decisions to make and fucking none of them will be good for me...Oklahoma is Johns world...not mine...my decisions are going to make sooooooooo fucking many people angry, sad, disappointed, hurt..and that is the last thing on this earth I want to do is hurt anyone....hurting myself is one thing...I am the only one affected...I can deal with that...

There are only two things I can think of that will not hurt anyone
1)  suck it up and go back to being wife/mother/memaw/servant/slave
2) never go back

I am leaning towards number 2.  just fucking disappear...throw my cell phone in the river...ditch my car, my identification and just start walking down the highway...to my final destiny....I would rather die than hurt anyone...no one deserves me...I am a monster...

Dampness/Round and round (more lost poems)/

Dampness

It's so windy, chilling her..
seems she never gets warm.
she looks out the window
and her breath fogs the glass.
Trees, long bony arms,
sticking out of the ground,
hard, bare, ugly.
wind whips at every crevice,
whining at every corner.
she watches high thin clouds
run against the sky, the moon slipping in and out..
grass once so green, brown, dead.
Darkness arrives so early,
she wraps up in a blanket,
to shut out the cold, but inside she shakes..
no birds sing, just dull gray sky.
everywhere, cold, damp, dead..
she searches for warmth, birds and blue skies...
She longs for spring...

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Round and Round

round and round we go where we get off...nobody knows.
down, down, down, spiraling downward
swirling in a whirlwind.
up and down, round and round.
emotions on a roller coaster
vultures diving in and out, picking away at the decay that is my life.
rotten stinking flesh, peeling away from the bones
flesh that peels so easily, she lays back and moans
memories are like maggots, rummaging through my brain.
eating me alive..
a never ending cycle of pain..
roaches scurrying over bare meat, looking for the bite
a nibble, here, there, never seeming to get full..
somewhere a voice cries for help,
but no one listens.
can't seem to kill the maggots, or stop the roaches
can't seem to care...

the bunny/the puppy(*)

So, there was the little girl who had a little sister...They argued and fought all the time...I am sure it must have been very annoying to listen too...

Those two girls had a little bunny, a pet.  One day they were sitting on a porch and the older sister would not let the younger one hold the bunny....she was being selfish..so the younger one went in the house and tattled...

Well...the father figure comes out and tells her to give the little sister the bunny...the girl said no "she hurts the bunny, she holds it too tight"...she had the bunny inside her jacket, hiding it...

the father figure reached in and grabbed the bunny, yanking it out of the jacket...he then twisted the bunny's neck, breaking it..the bunny screamed then was dead...he handed the bunny back to the older sister and said "there, now there will be no more fighting over that stupid rabbit..."

the older sister killed the rabbit...if she had only shared...she was selfish and the bunny paid...she should have known.....

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"LouLou" and Sparrow about 1965

That same little girl another time had a puppy...but the puppy barked and had accidents in the house which did not make the father figure happy...one day he had had enough..

he told her to bring the puppy to the bathroom to give him a bath...
she did his bidding...then while bathing the pup he told her to hold the puppy under the water until it drowned...if she didn't he would punish her, which she knew was a bad thing..(*).so she drowned her puppy....

He gave her a shovel and told her to go dig a grave...so she went outside and started digging...a little while later the father figure came out and was pissed the hole was not deep enough so he pushed her into it and threw the dog on her...he went back into the house and she dug the hole deeper and put the dog in and filled it back up with dirt...

After...she went into her room and talked to her imaginary friend...

(*)
I have realized that more happened than what I had thought...what I had believed all my life...I believed that I drowned that puppy..but I was only 7 or 8 yrs old, this was a beagle, I was not big or strong enough to hold a struggling dog under water until it died...but in my head that was what I thought happened, and I carried that sick awful memory......but, in reality, more has come to the surface...

I did have to wash that dog, I got in the tub with him...My "dad" came in there and put the dog on me and held that dog against me, held his nose and mouth under the water until it died....HE drowned the dog, but I thought I did......then he grabbed a towel, wrapped the dog in it, went to the garage...I heard a door slam (car door?) and he came back in....he told my mother the dog had been hit by a car and he was going to bury it....he had me help dig the grave, I was not able to dig it to his liking or deep enough....I never told anyone what really happened,  I never said a word about anything....I just stuffed the incident and memory deep into my mind.....

Finding Ladson

So, I use to have dreams about trying to go back and find my teenage home in Ladson, SC...but in my dreams I could never quite find it....

Yesterday, I actually went to Ladson....I found the house.  Looking at it, I started remembering every little thing about that house, and sneaking out!!  I drove around the neighborhood and found the club house where the gong show was...

I found the pond...that pond...Looking across the pond I saw the house...not my old house, but his house...The house of horrors, the house of pain, the haunted house....the house that kept me from finding Ladson in my dreams...

Everything looked so small, different, but it had been over 30 yrs since I had been there...

I drove into Charleston...still a stunningly beautiful city...but looking at the islands around...one island in particular...the island of pain, the island of horrors, the haunted Island, brought back some memories...but so many more are locked up in my brain...

The fear I had about seeing Ladson, Charleston, was not really realized...what a relief

I can only hope that those memories stayed locked up...

Puzzles/Focus

with this stupid brain fuck I have, my memories are either gone forever, or they try to pop in at the weirdest moments.  Its like my life is a series of puzzle pieces that are lost so the puzzle can never be finished...but I will find a piece here and there...

Puzzles

I try to put the pieces of my life together
when I am almost done, I  find one missing
nothing like living a puzzle
that can never be fully completed
I sometimes search under memories
and behind experiences, but the pieces elude me
I hear the rain against the window
so soft and hypnotic, I close my eyes, dream..
In the back of my mind, I get a glimpse
of the missing memory
If I could only reach and grab it
but the dream is too far
reality wakes me, and I am left feeling empty
alone, sad, my life dismembered
by  paths of shame that have robbed me of completeness
never to be whole, always searching
for puzzle pieces, to a lost cause..

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Focus

the pain, huge hands
around my neck, squeezing
playing with my emotions
lay in agony, lay in pleasure,
cries that never cease
I can't breathe, no intake..
struggling against hysteria.
let go, it hurts, I am hurting...
can't think, focus
feel the pain, don't cry out
silent screams, silent agony, silent joy....

A Face in the Moon/Pale Sunlight

A Face in the Moon

She carved a face,
in the moon, tonight.
it twinkled and smiled, only for her
she danced and sang,
to the little man
the man in the face of the moon
he seemed so delighted
she is such a fragile soul
the man smiled on...
she pirouetted and bowed
before her audience of stars.
Mindful of the man on the moon..
she carved a face,
in the moon tonight her
the one she wanted to see
the man who would sing and dance, with her..
and not leave her feeling lonely..

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Pale Sunlight

full moon, bright and beautiful
full moon, dark and haunting
thin tapered clouds
pass an image before it..
leave a trace behind,
a memory in the distance
moon, dip behind the midst
drip to the lonely world
a sea of tears, washing down
trickle on before her
darkness weaving patterns
against the night
a flicker of pale sunlight
illuminates her face
she turns upward,
reflections dance across her eyes
deep in the moment
high, thin clouds etch pictures
that trickle on before her..

A Premonition of Doom/Tripping

A Premonition of Doom


A premonition of doom, clouds her day.
She is bewildered, how can it find her?
her sleep is uneasy,
she tosses and turns, sweating
rest eludes her, she finds no comfort
voices speak, she cannot understand
they come slowly, she hears the footsteps
quietly they arrest her,
she struggles to break free..
"No!" she screams
"It can't be me.."
they laugh until the laughter fades..
she runs widly, no where to go
memories get twisted, she's lost in forever
wild with terror
her soul erupts..
the premonition of doom,
is just a step behind her...


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Tripping


I feel the needle prick my arm
I feel the heat going deep in my veins
sit back and relax,,  my thoughts recede
closing my eyes, I feel motion, gently rocking me
I hear somebody singing,
a beautiful voice, soft, gentle faraway
nothing matters,
I smile easy, I breath easy
feels so good, being lost in the dream world
my own existence, my own madness
my mind safely locked away,
where no one can find me
reality is outside, and I have closed the doors
the warmth continues to move through me
it's like warm water being poured on me
I feel naked, safe, secure, happy
all is well
totally alone, I know I cannot get up
I want to feel this way forever
feeling blissful nothingness....

"Looking on"

So,  I guess I tried my hand at writing songs a long time ago...I came across this..have no ideal when or where I wrote it...

Sun creep towards me
soothe me with your rays
clouds coming to get me
reach beyond blue haze
motion gently rocking me
give up for better days

a day left behind
sweet dreams left aside
finding my time
looking on, to a lost way

water runs over
runs over, roll over
stretch out and be kind
in me, try to find

a day left behind
sweet dreams left aside
finding my time
looking on, to a lost way

running and panting
frantic I'm gasping
wanting you there, wanting you
whisper my name, I'll whisper yours back
reach for me, I'll cling
to a day left behind...

sweet dreams, finding my time
to a lost way, I'll keep looking on...

The Duck

I am not sure how old I was when this happened...

we lived in Texas when I was in elementary school...this was then..

Mom wasn't married anymore, but she had a boyfriend.  He could break bricks with his bare hands.
On Easter we got three little baby ducks, one for me, my sister and my brother..  they were so cute, so soft and so yellow..Moms boyfriend fixed the garage so that the ducks could live there and not get out.  when the ducks were babies they stayed in a box in my bedroom, but then they got too big and had to move to the garage
at night they were so noisy, eventually the neighbors started to complain about the ruckus, so moms
boyfriend came and took two of the ducks away.  The duck that stayed could not "quack" so it was quiet.  I rushed home everyday after school to play with that duck..
one morning, I got dressed and sent to the garage to see my duck...when I got there, feathers were everywhere and a huge gap in the fencing..Duck was crouched in a corner trying to quack, but he could make no sound...He was bleeding.  I ran and got mom, she called her boyfriend who came over immediately.  He looked at duck and said "a dog got him"..

at some point during the night, my duck was attacked by a dog...I could not help him, save him...my duck must have been frantic, quacking that mute quack, screaming for me, screaming for help in silent fear...and desperation..

I watched as the boyfriend took a knife and cut off the ducks head...I saw the head still quacking, still desparate, still screaming for help...even though the head was not attached anymore...

I just sat and stared...I don't remember crying...

Unhappy in Happiness

Unhappy in Happiness

She's so unhappy with happiness
uncomfortable, afraid it will end
never gives over totally
always a hold back
skeptable, leary, suspicious
happiness leads to sorrow
she's been down that road before
so  unhappy with happiness
she searches for mourning
it is at home, in her heart
sadness, feeling lost, cold
characteristics of her being
a familiarity with depression
that raw sense of security
happiness, to good to be true
cannot last forever
a temporary setback..
for the saddest of souls...

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Loneliness

Loneliness assails her,
every waking moment, it showers down
as she stumbles in the puddles
people always hurting,
torturing her soul
unkept promises, sugar-coated lies
is there a friend, for her?
muddy water leaves footprints
of where she has been
the path, for the lonely
her tears threaten to fall
but pride keeps them locked up
so desparate, she is, for love, a friend
hoping for trust, crying when crushed
keeping the walls up
where the footprints won't find her..

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Rush to Me

her back against the wall,
afraid for her life
he turns and sees her
eyes lock together, pleading...
he smiles easily
slowly, suspended in time
she falls softly to the floor
blood leaves a path from where she stood
it drips silently unto the rug
she struggles for breath
he rushes to her, protective heart
tends her wound, whispering in her ear
a bullet passed through her chest
exiting her back, no blood in the front
blood against the wall
she dies in his arms
he cries into her hair
holding her, he smiles easily...

More poems....etc

Vision over blindness
mind over faith.
vivid memories, blurry faith, burry religion
a gentle touch
in a sea of waves
voices everywhere, a whisper captured
head knowledge, heart ignorance
a spirit caught, by a strong soul
a lone warrior
in a carvern of enemies...

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The Pond

"Peace, be still"
soothing, poetic, relaxing,
a small pond amidst the trees
secluded, peaceful, a world away
a fish jumps, violently disturbing the water,
waves fan out in obnoxious disarray
underneath, in the deafening void
lives an underworld of chaotic existence
the waves become still, peaceful again
recovering its shock,
only to be harassed again...

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Edge of Panic

I've been climbing this ladder, for some time
but, I never seem to reach the top
until now...
I am trying to steady myself, but the height makes me dizzy
I'm on the edge of panic
there's no way down, but to jump
the ladder is full of ghosts, chasing me
coming after me, step by step, rung by rung
I can't climb up anymore, a few steps, then I fall..
the pool seems so soft, gentle
 head first, the water will break and welcome me
 fall flat, the impact will kill me
I don't know what to do
I am lost, I want to jump, I want to climb back down
and let the ghosts have me...
what shall I do?  will I survive?

More poems from my shit past

Painstaking Search

painstaking numbness, overcomes her in waves
she realizes there is no reality, in her mind...
but she feels no shock
she sees her lips move, but no sound reaches her ears
so she imagines conversation...
then her numbness breaks...
noises crush her senses...
she struggles to understand the message
but, she is only left standing, holding a secret
she does not understand
she wishes for obscurity, experiencing knowledge
that eats away at her self-esteem, her soul
she searches for an oblivion to call her own..
that painstaking search for numbness..

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Forbidden

rain falls softly,
tears roll down a face,
dropping slowly to the ground
feelings that belong to somebody else
mistaken love, a broken identity
misty rain,  slow rolling clouds
changing moods, a rose without petals
reach out, but never allowed to touch
forbidden thoughts, forbidden past
roses that never bloom
a love, stifled,
red roses, bleeding roses, thorns that cut
rain and roses
tears and thorns....

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Cover Feelings

I cover feelings, I lie about pain
I color over memories to spare others
I smile, when I want to scream
afraid of the turmoil inside
I exaggerate happiness
I present gaity,  when I wrap up gloom
I lie about achievements, to cover disasters
I lift others up, as I am falling
I soothe others hurt, when I am bleeding inside
I give to others, as I take from myself
I try to protect my family
when I am so vulnerable
I have a brave front
It hides the coward inside...

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Outbreaks of silence

rising up, amidst the storm
waves all around, currents pulling here, there..
yet she floats, suspended in space
darkness flickers the light, into brilliance
yet she floats
sounds of wind, whistle and whine
moaning in the distance, the frail soul,
amidst the storm...

First Kiss

I evidently wrote this after I got my first kiss from a boy....a kiss I wanted...


Upside Down

I climbed the door, and opened the stairs,
said my pajamas and put on my prayers.
Turned off the bed and climbed into the light..

all because you kissed me goodnight

Next morning, I woke and scrambled my shoes
polished the eggs and toasted the news..
I couldn't tell my left from my right

all because you kissed me goodnight

that evening, at last, I felt normal again,
so  I  picked up my mother and called the phone.
I spoke to the puppy and threw dad a bone..
even at midnight, the sun was still bright...

all because you kissed me goodnight..

My daughter/Her mother

My children were so blessed....They had a father who loved them, taught them, was good to them...A father who never beat them, molested them, fuck....never even raised a voice to them....

When my daughter was around 5 or so,  I wrote this poem....I was so jealous of her, she had loving parents and a father that was a FATHER..


My Daughter/Her Mother

She dances and sings songs that stem from her imagination
her eyes reflect innocence, beyond her years
the world is her playground, people are her playmates
she smiles and laughs, aware of the attention she receives
so ignorant, safe and secure...
sheltered and protected by the wise, the wary, the suspicious
she brushes her long brown hair,
she licks her lips..unaware
of womanhood lurking around the corner
brown eyes flutter with long lashes, she decides what to do..
twirling round and round, her long hair
waves a fan out beside her..
giggling, she falls to the floor
rolling with laughter
oblivious to all, except her own world
happy, content, carefree, unmarked by the world, no blemish
a little five-year old girl, cannot be protected forever
a carbon copy of another five year old girl..
whose innocence was shattered.......
My daughter/her mother...

Lost poems

Evidently I have been writing poems and stuff before...I found a whole "book" of poems I had written sometime in my 20's...I think...lol anyway here are some of those....What is funny is some of these poems still affect my life, are still somewhat along the lines of what I have written more recently...hmmm

A Premonition of Doom

A premonition of doom
clouds her day
it rains down on her
hailstones of agony
the wind howls and laughs
in her ears...
flooding threatens to carry her away
lightening is brilliant before her.
she clings to safety
as thunder echos on,
sirens wail and whine..
In the distance...
a premonition of doom, follows her around
hiding the sun
forcing her shadow away
fogging her vision, it threatens to destroy
what is left of her,
her sunny daze...

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Gypsy

Will god love a gypsy?
blowing here and there
wherever the wind takes her..
a gypsy spirit, a gypsy soul
taking life wherever it leads
a wandering caravan of desires
never settling, always moving
to another land, another shore
exploring life thru endless chapters
will god love a gypsy?
can the freewill be quenched,
drained, then dried up..
a poor little dreamer
standing in the door,
god watches as she stands and shakes
reality never enough, a need to keep traveling
just around the bend.
the caravan, pushing her on
rolling over pebble roads
climbing mountains of life..
will god ever love gypsy?

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My Mothers Womb

In my mothers womb, I was all curled up
a tight little ball, secure
my  thumb in my mouth, pacifying me
I can hear loud noises
angry voices, crashes, screams
I don't move
maybe mom couldn't feel me
she'd forget I was here
I'll just be quite, still
sucking my thumb, alone...
I hear her heartbeat
sometimes slow and soothing
often fast and upsetting
when its beating hard, I stay motionless
when mom walks,
I like it...
I rock back and forth, drifting
sometimes she hums,
I like that, I am safe in here...
In my mothers womb.
I wish I could stay here,
quiet, safe, protected,
alone.....

Memories lie

I have discovered that some memories I have, are not real memories...they are memories I put away...I doctored...so that I could handle them...

If I could have taken a lie detector test with my memory, I would have passed...that is how convinced I was that a certain memory was true....but...I found out it was not accurate at all...

The shock of that truth, splashed into my face like ice cold water....now I question everything...why, did I think that, what really happened,  how much was truth, how much was told to me, how much do I actually remember...???

My head is trying to refire...the memory passages that were damaged by TBI and radiation poisoning are trying to find new routes to expose themselves to me...but they come at weird times, triggered by smells, words, situations.....they make no sense, they have no sense of order...they seem like chaos...

They fucking scare the shit out of me....I found some old writings, I wrote while in my 20's, obviously before the head injury...seems I was wrote about my childhood abuses, my teenage years and the fuck weird things I was involved in...I had put all that away to bed in my head when the head injury occurred...the tumor occurred...the radiation occurred...Then massive amounts of meds kept the memories asleep...

Now, drug free, my brain is trying to wake up and tell me everything...BUT I am afraid to know...I want to stay ignorant...I don't want to remember...the memories hurt, haunt, nag...provoking me to have to address my emotions...to try and figure out what to feel....

And then a memory will pop in...then it is gone...they seem to not stay...shock and awe...they attack me, leave me awe struck by their destruction, then they are gone...leaving me to wonder why there is so much damage to my emotions...

they leave my crying inside....wanting more...wanting them to stop...

Eagle

One day, as I was driving...I saw out of the corner of my eye a huge black blob in the top of a tree, off to the side of the highway...I glanced up and with a fucking shock...saw it was a mature bald eagle...

Now I have seen mature golden eagles sitting on fences and shit, but never a bald eagle, in the wild, sitting in a tree....

As soon as I could I whipped my car around to back track back to the eagle tree....as I approached the same spot, the eagle took off in flight...It was like he was waiting for me to come back around so I could watch him slowly take off...

His huge wing span, white tail, white head...and his flight was effortless, beautiful, quiet....the top of the bird food chain...the symbol of our great country...taking flight...

Wow, to be an eagle....so majestic, so beautiful, so reverent, so breath taking, so American....
Free, Brave...protected...

Mama dog

In my drive...I was going through a city (can't remember which) and as I was driving, I noticed
a dead dear on the side of the road...well that is a common sight, especially in mountains...but what caught my attention was the animal feeding off the carcass....

It was not a buzzard or crow..It was a dog.  The dog was a small terrier mix and she was pregnant.
I watched her as she ripped strips of dead dear off and ate it...she was feeding herself and her pups...

I had never seen a dog feeding off a dead animal...I am sure that is a common thing, I had just not seen it before...

I was struck by the little dogs determination to rip off muscle and skin and chew it up...
Its hard to be sad for the deer (who was probably struck by a car)..because in death, the pups have dinner! 

This little mama dog was determined and one-minded.."eat, feed, sustain life"...she let me watch her,  it was an actual beautiful sight...

I feel I learn alot watching dogs and animals as a whole...they do what they need to do to survive, to thrive, to live...they move and grow through instinct...

My instinct is to move and grow...to survive and thrive...to press on, one day at a time...animals do not plan for the future...they live for the day...they are free...oh to be an animal....

Once Upon a time

Once upon a time
there was a little girl
who could not
run and hide.

-------------------
Once upon a time
there was a little girl
who was forced
to stand and fight..

------------------
Once upon a time
there was a little girl
who could not escape
so she left...

--------------------
Once upon a time
there was a little girl
who was not afraid
she was strong and brave....

----------------------
Once upon a time
there was a little girl
who was so lonely
until she found her friend............


4-7-18

thoughts in my head

If I could think..
What would I think..
If I could feel,
what would I feel?
If I could love..
what would I love?

What would I give?
If I could give...
My heart?  my soul? my body?
What is that worth?
I wonder......

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes I know that everything about me is wrong,
my happiness, is wrong...
My feelings and emotions...
all wrong.
I am trapped, tied up, shackled to a person
I no longer am...
Do I have a future?
Or am I forever dependent..
Brain cancer has destroyed
the woman, made me a child...
in need of  care?
NO NO NO..let me go!
Please, let me go....

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My head reacts abnormally..
It thinks in 3D...abstract...confusion..
It smells colors, sees the wind...hears the trees...
my head cries when no one is looking...

Existing vs Living

When I finally realized, existing was not living...
It was too late..Life had passed me by..
I missed "new ideals", "new experiences"..
I had not "faced my fears",
I failed at trust...
Existing was not trusting..
No courage to exist,
tremendous courage to trust..
Trusting was putting myself, out there..
expecting the worse,
only to experience the best..
I can no longer allow my existance
to rob me from living...
If trust fails me,
I will try again...
If my trust continues to fail..
I will keep practicing trust..because one
day...trust will find me...
I can't let my existence rob me,
of the trust I gain, through living....

4-3-18

"With Malice towards None" Abraham Lincoln

So, did some civil war sight seeing today.  Went to Appomattox, the place where General Lee and General Grant met to arrange a surrender by the confederate army...effectively ending the civil war.  I watched a movie at the museum and I just am amazed at the concept of a "gentlemans war"..

If all wars could be ended by a handshake and "With Malice towards none"...the confederate soldiers layed down their arms,  the Union soldiers saluted them, gave them a horse, a pardon, and sent them back home to be with their families....after all, the confederate soldiers were their neighbors, childhood friends, family members...Civil war, civilized war...

Seeing the battlefields, watching and reading the history of our nation...Why is it just now that everyone is so fucking against our southern heritage...it is just that southern heritage, why does all the monuments have to be taken down?  I think if these fuckwads would just read and learn more about the civil war then maybe their opinions would change....The civil war was 4 years and ended on a handshake...Black soldiers, young boys, dads, sons, farmers etc...just regular folk, not soldiers fought died and surrendered for fighting a war that was basically just to be able to keep their way of life....but in the end a side had to win...and the victory was bittersweet...but from that, a new way of life, a new country was born...a stronger country...an independent country...a proud country...America.

Every single person has baggage...the baggage of the civil war?  slavery...but it was ended, finished wiped away by a handshake.   President Lincoln said to the Generals at Appomattox..."With Malice towards none"  What a beautiful president..concerned for the people, the south,  wow...

Those confederate flags, confederate monuments..I say leave them...they're reminders of the "baggage" of the civil war...a constant reminder that slavery WAS abolished, ALL men became free...it is a great memory...Not a bad memory...

I am thinking about a new tattoo...maybe a confederate/union flag intertwined with the words "With Malice towards None"  in other words  "love respect and treat all men equally"...

I never want or intent Malice on anyone...not even my enemies...no one is better than anyone else, we all bleed red blood...