can't remember

So, because of my brain injury,  I have trouble trying to explain what I am feeling...putting into words what is going on in my head...but I have found that writing short stories in like 3rd person of my experiences and poems is easier.   If I am going to write about an event in my life that is not pleasant, I will write it as a "story" and the victim is not necessarily me...seems, most of my life up and until the initial brain injury in late 80's was very "violent, abusive"...after that, my brain becomes a fog.  I recently read through some things I had written as a teenager and young adult...they are "weird" to me because I don't remember much of what the writings/stories were about.

I guess when therapist say you have "blocked" memories, that is true, or "repressed" memories.  But lately some of those memories are trying to break the surface, and frankly that scares me.  Because some of the writings are quite "shocking and brutal".   they include, child abuse, sexual abuse, animal abuse, occult shit...damn...I REALLY don't want to remember that shit.

You know what is funny...?  I did not realize that I had repressed memories or that I was forgetting my past until one day, me and some girls were sitting around and the topic came to childbirth...the girls were talking about their birth experiences and I realized with a shock, that I do not remember giving birth to my two bio kids...in fact, I did not remember even being pregnant with them, nor do I remember their early childhoods...OMG...it was like a huge bucket of ice cold water was fucking doused all over me...I got their photo albums out, baby books, etc and started pouring over those pics and NOTHING...This is when I went into therapy for brain issues...I am not sure, but I believe this conversation with these girls was in like 2012...4 years after my radiation brain surgery for the tumor and some 15 yrs after the initial brain injury...ALSO, I could not remember my wedding.  In fact, I also realized that I did not have "love" feelings for my kids or husband...I had been playing the wife/mother game absentmindedly, just going through the motions.   TBI therapy really started showing me just how fucking messed up I was...I had forgotten most of my education in American Sign Language,  things I use to love to do (reading books, teaching ASL etc..) I no longer liked or could do.   I also lost my "love of God or religion"...before my tumor surgery, I taught sunday school youth, taught Girls in Action, was a church secretary, and was extrememly active in our church.  I was "saved and baptized" (I have certificates for those) but all of that was GONE from my memory.  I only know I did those things because I was told I did.  I have also forgotten most of the people in that church...People I have known for years are now strangers to me.....

In 2014 I was diagnosed with 5-6 more brain tumors...they are all on the frontal lobe of the brain in the personality, memory, speech and cognitive areas of the brain....I am changing...I am NOT the Melissa my family, friends etc know me to be....I am NO longer religious at all, in fact I question if there even is a God...I am not a wife...on paper I am, but in my head, I AM NOT...on paper I am a mom and grandma...but in my head...I AM NOT.

The person I am today is so fucking opposite of who I was...it is shocking to those who have not watched my gradual change...and because I am not the woman everyone expects or knows, this makes me feel like a prisoner...It is torture for me to continue the ruse when family is around...I just want to scream and tell them to leave me the fuck alone...I want a divorce so bad, but my husband won't give me one....I do not love him, I do not want to be married, I do not even want to live here anymore....I AM NOT MELISSA ...I am sparrow.