I am repeatedly told that if I would take "meds" these episodes would not happen...but then, I would just be a fucking non-feeling zombie...I can't be that...not anymore.
In Sept of 2016 (I think), I was having so many seizures, the pain was out of control, I was in an awful mental state...I was maxed on dosage of ALL my meds...demoral, morphine, anti-depressants, mood stablizers, seizure meds, nausea meds, and all the other shit drugs I was on...I had had enough. With the help of my pain management doctor, I detoxed off each drug, one at a time....I think it took like 4 mos...but since then...I have not had ONE seizure...the pain is bad, but not any worse than when I was on all those drugs...I don't sleep as good, my dreams are very violent, but...I am not a zombie...I feel emotion...I feel human.
I also feel confusion, emotional instability at times, extreme sadness, feelings of suicide, but also happiness where I actually laugh or giggle...I can feel sexual desire...I fucking feel alive...
Last sept (17), my suicidal ideology and depression was over the top...a friend talked me into going to the hospital, which I really did not want to do, but I did...I was immediately put under armed guard, evaluated and eventually sent to a mental hospital...I was EOD, emergency order of detention..I had no choice, I was placed in a police car and driven 2 hours away, to the hospital. I was there for 12 days. I was put on a shitload of drugs again, saw a shrink, and when I finally did and said all the right things, they released me.
All those drugs, again, were fucking with my body in adverse reactions, so I stopped them all....cold turkey... I canceled all my follow up appointments with shrink and therapist...I have been there did that many times....it is just redundant anymore...
The fact is, I have 7 brain tumors, I have radiation poisoning in my frontal lobe, I have a brain injury...no amount of pills or therapy is ever gonna change that...It is just what it is...I will live with whatever life is now choosing to throw at me....
This is what I wrote, to describe my Heaviness:
Raindrops sound like a million voices as they hit the ground..
Muffled, chaotic, frantic, babbling beads of insanity.
Its like the rain is running away from the clouds
Clouds of doom
drops crashing to the ground, exploding in a splash of blood
a tiny bomb
rippling the earth, directly around
when my "heaviness" comes, it is running from my brain
crashing into my emotions
splashing into rage, anger, shaking everyone around me
bleeding, over and over.
Until is stops, suddenly, and the clouds part, the sun peaks out
explosions go away, and hurt dries up.
Only then can I smile...
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