Can I handle the amount of pressure and ridicule that is about to start? Am I strong enough to stand firm? Or will I crumble, fall apart and succumb to the pressure of being an island??
If I crumble...I will go back on all those fucking drugs and become a zombie again...because I cannot be "who I am today" and live my old life...I will have to be brain dead, so I can't feel....
Was my old life that horrible? No...I have had a good life that I remember, my marriage has been solid in that I have spent 35 yrs with the same man, who is fucking perfect..My kids and grandkids are happy healthy and thriving..somewhere along the line I completed my wifedom, my momdom, being wife and mom is just not me anymore...
If my brain had not been altered, then maybe I would still be happy and content with my life...but I am changed and it is in direct opposition to my current life situation...Nobody is to blame, it is just my path...it is not Johns path or my kids path...but mine alone and I need, no I have to take it..
But am I going to be strong enough emotionally to absorb the fucking repercussions of walking away from a marriage? Will I be able to handle the verbal and emotional abuse I will get from johns family, my family, friends?? I only have two friends that are on my side and supporting me, because they KNOW me, they understand how my head is now working and they just want what is best for me...
I know that I am going to need those two friends more than ever soon, and now I am getting scared that I will exhaust them and they will walk away from me, and I will be alone...Can I do that? Can I be alone and destroy the "perfect" life I had??? Or will I destroy myself?
I have not been thinking about killing myself at all on this trip..Just the opposite, I feel alive!!! But now, after talking with my mother in law, will I really ever feel alive again?
Maybe I should just finish this book, this trip, then go away for good...then, I will be truly free..
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