Free Sparrow

So, today is the last day at my home, before I leave...I am going away for awhile, don't exactly know how long I will be there, but I do have a sort of plan...

One, is I need to do more writing for the book...It is so hard to concentrate on it here because of all the distractions..

Second,  I have NEVER gotten to be alone (at least as far as I can remember), I went from home, to college, to marriage...and now I want to be single, in a new place where nobody fucking knows my name....

Here, where I live,  even when I go out to a bar or restaurant or mall or wherever there is a chance someone will recognize me and talk to me like we are old friends...maybe we were, but I don't fucking have a clue who they are...I have forgotten them...so it is very unnerving for me to talk to someone that "knew" me and I didn't know them....or worse, they will see me, not say anything then go tell their friends and family  "hey, I saw Missy, and she was sitting at a bar drinking with guys around her and they weren't her husband..."...oh fuck...


and even if I saw them looking at me, they would still be a stranger...Like, shit, I am not saying this right....

People will look at me, and I will wonder "do they know me" if so, "was I nice to them?"  or whatever...or they are just people glancing at me, like I do to people....it is crazy...
another reason I want to be in a city where fucking no ones knows me...I can be me...the new me without having to worry about what someone may think or say...

OKC is like a huge prison for me...I can walk the grounds, but I am not free....there are EYES everywhere.

My husband is a very important man at the Air Force Base in which he works...he has been on TV multiple times,  he jets to washington DC in the fucking generals jet..he lunches with governors .he travels the country speaking to others about ENVIRONMENTAL issues on military bases...He has won fucking every award out there for the Air Force and for the entire military constellations, navy, army, marines, coast guard everything...they call that the Thomas D White award...he has won that many times...and he is very active in his  church and fucking loved by everyone....AND I HAVE TO WALK IN HIS SHADOW...
So you see, this is why I get so nervous in public...I don't want to do anything to compromise his standing...  I think this is maybe one of the reasons he won't give me a divorce..Will make him look bad....
Do you know how fucking hard it is to be married to a local superstar???  fuck..I just want to be a wallflower and do my own thing without having to keep up appearances...

You know, when I told him I was leaving for awhile, his first response was "this is not a good time for ME"  Yep, its all about him...Fuck me....

I have a friend who is married to an astronaut...shit, I feel bad for her...talk about being married to a superstar!!!  She is forever, Astronaut so and so's wife.....I wonder if she ever feels less than....I know I would...

So today, I am going to fucking clean this house, and get everything in order, bills, food, whatever, and then I am gone.....Off to be freeeeeeeeeeeeeee, a Sparrow chasing the wind...