Family.......shit

This whole "traveling" thing I am doing, is for ME...it is not for John or the kids or any other family members.  I have given myself to John and the kids for 35 years...I have given my energy taking care of not only my family, but homeless people, dogs, and every one else who crossed my path...But, now with my head changing, my ideals, thoughts, morals, religious beliefs, have made me become someone else...Being with John, does not make me happy...Not because he is a bad man or I don't love him or whatever...Its because, I/we have grown apart...He has had 40 yrs of my life...I need to be Melissa/sparrow...not Johns wife or my kids mom...I need my own identity, where I can make my own decisions and not have to consider the feelings of those around me...My head is NOT who I once was....

I try to so fucking hard to try and explain TBI, brain tumors and radiation damage to the frontal lobe of the brain...changes people...it changes who they are, it gives them new personalities, new feelings and thoughts..I FUCKING CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS SO GODDAMN HARD FOR PEOPLE/FAMILY TO ACCEPT AND REALIZE..its like they refuse to believe I am damaged...they refuse to even research and educate themselves on brain damage...and that is fucking because on the outside I look fine, and I have been "Melissa" forever...I am not allowed to be anything MORE but wife, mom and grandma...

My kids are grown with families of their own...I did not abandon them   they are adults.  My husband is a big boy who makes shit loads of money...he has his friends, his religion and his GOD...I don't want ANY of that...I am fucking tired of walking on egg shells and trying to make every one else happy...I am tired of trying to be someone I am not anymore....I need to breath...and for fucks sake...John deserves a woman who loves and worships the same God as him, he needs a woman who supports him and has a "like" mind as him...THAT IS NOT ME

Since I have been gone...I have been able to breath...my heart is racing again, I am doing things I would have never imagined I would do...and it FEELS RIGHT...I have met some really cool people and all they know about me is what they see...no history...so to them, I AM FUCKING NORMAL..Not having to explain myself or say, "I don't remember you or whatever..." I don't have to look over my shoulder...

I know one thing that is for damn sure...being on this trip, I am a lot less suicidal...in OKC, its all I can think about....ending my life because I am so miserable...but now, I am alive, doing and experiencing new things...I feel alive...I feel "normal."  I am Sparrow...free...chasing the wind!!!