enough

I think about dying all the time...the doctors at the psych hospital diagnosed me with "clinical depression/suicidal ideology"...another fucking label...I think about dying because I get so fucking tired of living....you know, pain, can be a decision maker...especially chronic pain...head pain...emotional pain...

I can get so depressed and down...especially when my headaches seem to be worse than usual...HA, everytime I see my doctor they ask me..."on a scale from 1-5, 5 being the worse pain you have ever had...where is your pain now???"  seriously???  How can I even answer that?  when you live with pain every fucking day  you learn to deal with it...you actually get a sort of pain tolerance...so for me most of the time I would say  "2-3"  but for a normal person dealing with the pain I deal with they would probably say "5"...so even when I answer that question, it is not really accurate...

I do not take any pain meds for the headaches...maybe some weed...but that is more for the nausea that the headaches cause...One day, when the pain becomes unbearable I will have had "enough"

Enough

One day, I will have had enough
enough of life, living
enough of pain and confusion
enough to fill
an entire book
chapter after chapter
of a shit reality...
I will go into my garage
I will sit in my truck
roll down the windows
turn on the ignition
and let the truck drive to nowhere...
My head laid back
against the seat
eyes closed, listening to the music
playing in my head..
drifting off into dreamland
sleeping, forever
enough, done...