Emotional overload

So,  I don't know how to deal with my "over the top" emotions at times....For instance, last night was a beautiful night,  yet, I started crying for no goddamn good reason...what a fucking baby...

Other times I will find something or whatever so funny and laugh my butt off, when others are like "well its not that funny"  or "what are you laughing about"

Or..worse...I will fly into a fucking rage and throw things, scream, yell, be totally out of control, in a black out rage....then when the rage is gone, I have to pick up the fucking pieces...and then I feel so guilty...like "death row" guilty...

and then oddly,  I won't feel any emotion at all...something really horrible happens and I feel nothing...It is like I either over/feel or don't feel at all...like a sociopath...

and sometimes I want to feel pain....I want to be hurt...to see if I can still feel....I will burn myself, get a tattoo anything to feel that wonderful pain, because it reminds me I am still a human being, rather than a fucking monster...sometimes during sex, I have this overwhelming urge to be hurt, hit, punched or slapped or whatever...I really don't think I use to be like that...its the new me, maybe...what a FREAK

Maybe I want to be hurt as it is me serving my sentence...penance for changing...my punishment for hurting my family, and others around me, for lying every fucking day, so people are comfortable,  pretending to be the old Melissa...Shit...I should get an academy award for my act...People will talk to me like "remember when..." or they will talk about stuff that "I should know" but fucking don't remember or even care about,  but I play along and act like I do remember...lying...playing the game...

I do realize somewhere in my shit brain...that what is happening to me is beyond my control...the tumors, the radiation poisoning, even the initial brain injury...and I should just roll with that...but I can't, it is so fucking hard because on the outside...I look fine, pretty even..I can still be active physically...and I know that makes it hard for people to understand my injuries are on the inside, hiding....and really...I try to understand that too...to be in denial...I tell myself "there are so many people out there who have it way worse"...but seriously?  How can it be any worse than your fucking brain changing without your permission, the chronic fucking headaches...but again...no one  sees that so I must be fine...well, those immediately around me see the change, but others don't...

I had to do something,  I had to basically tell a woman to NOT try and be my friend.  I literally pushed her away...she is christian...I am not....I do not do any religious stuff...the new me....and I will not try and be to her something I just can't be....I can't spare her feelings or belief system from me...I will in time fucking exhaust her...and I DO NOT WANT TO BE SOMEONES PET PROJECT...  I will not get saved...I will not pray...I fear she may have wanted to be my friend in the hopes that she can "get through to me about Jesus...."  NOT gonna happen...so I just spared her the time and energy of even trying....and I spared me the agony of having to hurt yet another person...

Because in the end that is what I do best...Hurt others....