divorce

So today, my last day in Alabama, I am going to get my nail fixed (broke a fingernail in Memphis) and then go downtown and check out all the little shops.  Opelika has the cutest and quaint downtown...I was going to go to a club last night, but decided to stay in instead...

This trip I am on,  I love being alone, making my own decisions, coming and going as I feel like it...I think I am a loner at heart, I just never knew it because my whole life I have lived with someone and been responsible for others...But now, with my new fucking brain, being my own person is a breath of fresh air.

I have been talking to friends who have gotten divorced.  And virtually every one of them said to get a legal separation first, stay in Oklahoma until the divorce is final.  Use that year to split the material possessions, to mediate settlements etc...When the divorce is final, then move out of state, if you still want too.

This whole divorce thing,  I am hoping it will be as smooth and friendly as my daughters divorce from her first husband (and they have a small child together) we have no minor children so child support visitation and all that stuff is mute...

I DO NOT want to hurt John,  I am not going to go for the jugular like a lot of women,  I just simply want what is mine after 40 yrs together...I don't want to become an enemy to John or his family or my family...I just cannot be married to John or anybody else for that matter...Thing is, I have told John over and over this past year that I do not love him and that I wanted a divorce...He has just basically disregarded my words and feelings because he feels that my attitude change is because of the brain shit, and that I am not myself...it will blow over....whatever

Yes, I do believe my personality change, my morals or whatever have been changed by this brain injury and tumors...but, it IS the new me, I WILL not get over it...I have to learn to live with it and do what I feel I need to do for me...not others.

I am also through with doctors, testing, MRI's and all that shit...I am just going to live my life to the fullest and let this brain cancer run its course on its own time...If and when I get to the point that I cannot be "me" and the disease is becoming too much for me, then I will end my life, on my own terms, without the need for intervention from the medical establishment...and I am SO FUCKING at peace with this decision...I am not afraid to die.  Dying is a part of living....