This trip of mine, is not running away from a bad life, or the cops, or whatever...It is trying to find peace....This morning I woke up and my head was screaming with pain...so I know I can't run from illness either...I can't avoid the progression of brain disease, cancer...I can only try and find peace within myself...
But finding my peace is causing heartache and confusion for close friends and family...One side of me needs to take care of them, make things better for them, but the other half of me needs to take care of myself...I know in religious circles, you are suppose to put God first, then others, then yourself...but if I do that, then I am denying my emotions, and my mental health would go into quick decline....
I have been taking care of my physical body for years, doctors, hospitals, surgeries, meds, exercise, diet etc...but now my mental health is in crisis and being locked up and put on mood drugs in a pysch hospital, is NOT taking care of my mental state...it is shutting me up....locking me away...
well I will lock my own self up, I will go away...and be my own prison warden...I will let me, doctor, myself...DOESN'T THAT SOUND FUCKING GOOD???
I am finished taking care of others, it is time to take care of myself...really, take care of myself, not just massages, manicures, facials, superficial shit like that, but taking care of my mind, doing and saying and acting the way my mind is telling me too...is screaming at me too...and already, three days into my trip and the weight of "home" has lifted and I seem to be able to breathe easier....where is this trip/experience going? what is the end game? I just don't know....
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