Can I handle the amount of pressure and ridicule that is about to start? Am I strong enough to stand firm? Or will I crumble, fall apart and succumb to the pressure of being an island??
If I crumble...I will go back on all those fucking drugs and become a zombie again...because I cannot be "who I am today" and live my old life...I will have to be brain dead, so I can't feel....
Was my old life that horrible? No...I have had a good life that I remember, my marriage has been solid in that I have spent 35 yrs with the same man, who is fucking perfect..My kids and grandkids are happy healthy and thriving..somewhere along the line I completed my wifedom, my momdom, being wife and mom is just not me anymore...
If my brain had not been altered, then maybe I would still be happy and content with my life...but I am changed and it is in direct opposition to my current life situation...Nobody is to blame, it is just my path...it is not Johns path or my kids path...but mine alone and I need, no I have to take it..
But am I going to be strong enough emotionally to absorb the fucking repercussions of walking away from a marriage? Will I be able to handle the verbal and emotional abuse I will get from johns family, my family, friends?? I only have two friends that are on my side and supporting me, because they KNOW me, they understand how my head is now working and they just want what is best for me...
I know that I am going to need those two friends more than ever soon, and now I am getting scared that I will exhaust them and they will walk away from me, and I will be alone...Can I do that? Can I be alone and destroy the "perfect" life I had??? Or will I destroy myself?
I have not been thinking about killing myself at all on this trip..Just the opposite, I feel alive!!! But now, after talking with my mother in law, will I really ever feel alive again?
Maybe I should just finish this book, this trip, then go away for good...then, I will be truly free..
Saturday, March 31, 2018
Friday, March 30, 2018
3 states in 5 hours
So today I left Alabama and drove through 3 states in 5 hours...Georgia, South Carolina and North Carolina...Atlanta was huge, swear to God it took a fucking hour just to go through the city! wow...
I have been watching license plates on cars and so far I am the only lonely driver from Oklahoma...see a lot of local tags, plus a New York and Virginia tags...but have not seen a Texas, New Mexico or Oklahoma tag...
I think I use to hate to travel...the long drives and shit...but this "walk about" I am on, I find that the driving is relaxing, the scenery has been stunning...the only thing is the driving tends to make my head hurt worse..a friend called it "white line fever" or something like that....so traveling days I have to be more cognizant of staying ahead of the pain...
The hotel I am staying at here in Charlotte is the nicest one so far,,,the king size bed is fucking luxurious, down pillows, oh man I wish I could steal the mattress and 4 pillows!!!
Have a feeling I will sleep like a baby tonight..
So I have been gone about two weeks now, and twice my mother in law has called me and so I finally called her back. I was not sure what John had told her about me leaving..At first she acted like she didn't even know I was gone, then into the conversation she flat out asks me " are you leaving John" I just was as Honest as I could be with her and told her "that one of the reasons I left was in fact, to try and figure out my marriage and what I wanted in that, and the second was to blog and write in the book..." she said she didn't know about the book, which is not true, because we have talked about it..then when I explained the book."living with TBI, brain tumors, radiation shit, depression etc and writing about what was in my head" she immediately changed the topic 360 degrees...SHE DID NOT WANT TO HEAR ALL THAT SHIT, BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT BELIEVE THE CHANGE IN ME IS BECAUSE OF BRAIN INJURY....and that is the heart of why I cannot be around family and Oklahoma...I am fucking suffocating...
I have been watching license plates on cars and so far I am the only lonely driver from Oklahoma...see a lot of local tags, plus a New York and Virginia tags...but have not seen a Texas, New Mexico or Oklahoma tag...
I think I use to hate to travel...the long drives and shit...but this "walk about" I am on, I find that the driving is relaxing, the scenery has been stunning...the only thing is the driving tends to make my head hurt worse..a friend called it "white line fever" or something like that....so traveling days I have to be more cognizant of staying ahead of the pain...
The hotel I am staying at here in Charlotte is the nicest one so far,,,the king size bed is fucking luxurious, down pillows, oh man I wish I could steal the mattress and 4 pillows!!!
Have a feeling I will sleep like a baby tonight..
So I have been gone about two weeks now, and twice my mother in law has called me and so I finally called her back. I was not sure what John had told her about me leaving..At first she acted like she didn't even know I was gone, then into the conversation she flat out asks me " are you leaving John" I just was as Honest as I could be with her and told her "that one of the reasons I left was in fact, to try and figure out my marriage and what I wanted in that, and the second was to blog and write in the book..." she said she didn't know about the book, which is not true, because we have talked about it..then when I explained the book."living with TBI, brain tumors, radiation shit, depression etc and writing about what was in my head" she immediately changed the topic 360 degrees...SHE DID NOT WANT TO HEAR ALL THAT SHIT, BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT BELIEVE THE CHANGE IN ME IS BECAUSE OF BRAIN INJURY....and that is the heart of why I cannot be around family and Oklahoma...I am fucking suffocating...
Thursday, March 29, 2018
The Longest Train in the World
So I spent my last day exploring Opelika, taking pics of the amazing azelias , getting my car ready for the next trip, then walking Historic Downtown..
While I was walking downtown, I kept hearing music, soft rock, and I thought to myself "hey go find the music and sit down" well I could not find the venue with the music and was beginning to think I was tripping! I finally figured it out...the music was coming from speakers that were mounted on each lamp post along the downtown...DUH
I also went to a cool little coffee shop called "Side Track" coffee. I really never do designer coffee but I had heard about this shop, so I go in and order a Latte with almond milk...and there was no charge. You could give them what you thought the coffee was worth, or you could just take one...A pay it forward coffee shop! I loved it..I gave them 7.00 but really I have no ideal what my coffee would have costs if I had gotten it at Starbucks..but 7.00 sounded lucky!
I got my coffee and went out into the walkway path along the downtown, found a bench to sit on and listen to that invisible music...and sip my coffee...Very relaxing until....THE LONGEST TRAIN IN THE WORLD crossed right in front of me at about 3 miles an hour with more than 200 cars....OMG
I am in the hotel room right now, but around dinner, I am going to back to the downtown for dinner and a drink..then back to pack for my trip..
While I was walking downtown, I kept hearing music, soft rock, and I thought to myself "hey go find the music and sit down" well I could not find the venue with the music and was beginning to think I was tripping! I finally figured it out...the music was coming from speakers that were mounted on each lamp post along the downtown...DUH
I also went to a cool little coffee shop called "Side Track" coffee. I really never do designer coffee but I had heard about this shop, so I go in and order a Latte with almond milk...and there was no charge. You could give them what you thought the coffee was worth, or you could just take one...A pay it forward coffee shop! I loved it..I gave them 7.00 but really I have no ideal what my coffee would have costs if I had gotten it at Starbucks..but 7.00 sounded lucky!
I got my coffee and went out into the walkway path along the downtown, found a bench to sit on and listen to that invisible music...and sip my coffee...Very relaxing until....THE LONGEST TRAIN IN THE WORLD crossed right in front of me at about 3 miles an hour with more than 200 cars....OMG
I am in the hotel room right now, but around dinner, I am going to back to the downtown for dinner and a drink..then back to pack for my trip..
leaving my body
Sometimes the pain is too great
sometimes the guilt is too present..
sometimes just thinking
is overwhelming
The urge to leave my body
calls to me, in a small quiet voice
Float away my love,
become weightless, drift,
take a trip
to the furthest recesses of your mind..
Soothing, peaceful, painless
thoughtless, guiltfree,
the perfect trip to nowhere,
yet a trip to everywhere...
A perfect massage,
weightless as space and time..
That moment of warmth
that washes over me, as I leave...
Extreme content
extreme rest, no pain, no confusion
no sadness, no anger
just floating in a sea of feathers
as I am leaving my body....
sometimes the guilt is too present..
sometimes just thinking
is overwhelming
The urge to leave my body
calls to me, in a small quiet voice
Float away my love,
become weightless, drift,
take a trip
to the furthest recesses of your mind..
Soothing, peaceful, painless
thoughtless, guiltfree,
the perfect trip to nowhere,
yet a trip to everywhere...
A perfect massage,
weightless as space and time..
That moment of warmth
that washes over me, as I leave...
Extreme content
extreme rest, no pain, no confusion
no sadness, no anger
just floating in a sea of feathers
as I am leaving my body....
divorce
So today, my last day in Alabama, I am going to get my nail fixed (broke a fingernail in Memphis) and then go downtown and check out all the little shops. Opelika has the cutest and quaint downtown...I was going to go to a club last night, but decided to stay in instead...
This trip I am on, I love being alone, making my own decisions, coming and going as I feel like it...I think I am a loner at heart, I just never knew it because my whole life I have lived with someone and been responsible for others...But now, with my new fucking brain, being my own person is a breath of fresh air.
I have been talking to friends who have gotten divorced. And virtually every one of them said to get a legal separation first, stay in Oklahoma until the divorce is final. Use that year to split the material possessions, to mediate settlements etc...When the divorce is final, then move out of state, if you still want too.
This whole divorce thing, I am hoping it will be as smooth and friendly as my daughters divorce from her first husband (and they have a small child together) we have no minor children so child support visitation and all that stuff is mute...
I DO NOT want to hurt John, I am not going to go for the jugular like a lot of women, I just simply want what is mine after 40 yrs together...I don't want to become an enemy to John or his family or my family...I just cannot be married to John or anybody else for that matter...Thing is, I have told John over and over this past year that I do not love him and that I wanted a divorce...He has just basically disregarded my words and feelings because he feels that my attitude change is because of the brain shit, and that I am not myself...it will blow over....whatever
Yes, I do believe my personality change, my morals or whatever have been changed by this brain injury and tumors...but, it IS the new me, I WILL not get over it...I have to learn to live with it and do what I feel I need to do for me...not others.
I am also through with doctors, testing, MRI's and all that shit...I am just going to live my life to the fullest and let this brain cancer run its course on its own time...If and when I get to the point that I cannot be "me" and the disease is becoming too much for me, then I will end my life, on my own terms, without the need for intervention from the medical establishment...and I am SO FUCKING at peace with this decision...I am not afraid to die. Dying is a part of living....
This trip I am on, I love being alone, making my own decisions, coming and going as I feel like it...I think I am a loner at heart, I just never knew it because my whole life I have lived with someone and been responsible for others...But now, with my new fucking brain, being my own person is a breath of fresh air.
I have been talking to friends who have gotten divorced. And virtually every one of them said to get a legal separation first, stay in Oklahoma until the divorce is final. Use that year to split the material possessions, to mediate settlements etc...When the divorce is final, then move out of state, if you still want too.
This whole divorce thing, I am hoping it will be as smooth and friendly as my daughters divorce from her first husband (and they have a small child together) we have no minor children so child support visitation and all that stuff is mute...
I DO NOT want to hurt John, I am not going to go for the jugular like a lot of women, I just simply want what is mine after 40 yrs together...I don't want to become an enemy to John or his family or my family...I just cannot be married to John or anybody else for that matter...Thing is, I have told John over and over this past year that I do not love him and that I wanted a divorce...He has just basically disregarded my words and feelings because he feels that my attitude change is because of the brain shit, and that I am not myself...it will blow over....whatever
Yes, I do believe my personality change, my morals or whatever have been changed by this brain injury and tumors...but, it IS the new me, I WILL not get over it...I have to learn to live with it and do what I feel I need to do for me...not others.
I am also through with doctors, testing, MRI's and all that shit...I am just going to live my life to the fullest and let this brain cancer run its course on its own time...If and when I get to the point that I cannot be "me" and the disease is becoming too much for me, then I will end my life, on my own terms, without the need for intervention from the medical establishment...and I am SO FUCKING at peace with this decision...I am not afraid to die. Dying is a part of living....
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
Alabama friends
So the drive from Memphis to Opelika Alabama went really smooth, and I must say the landscape of the south is quite beautiful...
I checked into my hotel then met some friends for dinner...Dinner was very uncomfortable for me at first because I did not remember the wife, and I met her before, and while I remembered the husband (from high school), it was still unnerving because I am so different from what he remembered me to be....Their 21 year old son was there too. He was such a little cutie...However, he had just came back from some Christian mission thing, and he was all "Lord willing. Jesus this and Jesus that.." which if that is how he chooses to believe, then more power to him, but I told him straight up I was not Christian....
I felt like I was sitting in fucking church...but it was partly my fault as I asked him about his mission work...like what they do...he was starting to piss me off until he talked about how they also work with the homeless....then I liked him again!!! haha
I am meeting the husband, my friend, today to visit...He knows I am wanting a divorce, I am sure he wants to sit me down and pick my brain!!!
I was really open and as fucking honest as I could be at dinner...I am just really hoping that he will not preach to me or try and "save" me...because that will not happen...Been there did that didn't stick..
I did like his wife, she cussed and I don't know if she actually cusses routinely or if she cussed to make be feel more at ease...either way, she was cool...she did not preach or anything...and she seems really like a very nice and cool woman. And what I absolutely loved how fucking out of the blue she asked "how did I know I had a brain tumor" or something like that...she wanted to know. Lots of people won't talk to me about the brain cancer for whatever reason, but she was straight up about it...I find that refreshing. If I am around someone with say an amputated limb or bad burn or whatever I will straight up as what happened to them too...I like when people cut through the bullshit and go straight to the heart...
I checked into my hotel then met some friends for dinner...Dinner was very uncomfortable for me at first because I did not remember the wife, and I met her before, and while I remembered the husband (from high school), it was still unnerving because I am so different from what he remembered me to be....Their 21 year old son was there too. He was such a little cutie...However, he had just came back from some Christian mission thing, and he was all "Lord willing. Jesus this and Jesus that.." which if that is how he chooses to believe, then more power to him, but I told him straight up I was not Christian....
I felt like I was sitting in fucking church...but it was partly my fault as I asked him about his mission work...like what they do...he was starting to piss me off until he talked about how they also work with the homeless....then I liked him again!!! haha
I am meeting the husband, my friend, today to visit...He knows I am wanting a divorce, I am sure he wants to sit me down and pick my brain!!!
I was really open and as fucking honest as I could be at dinner...I am just really hoping that he will not preach to me or try and "save" me...because that will not happen...Been there did that didn't stick..
I did like his wife, she cussed and I don't know if she actually cusses routinely or if she cussed to make be feel more at ease...either way, she was cool...she did not preach or anything...and she seems really like a very nice and cool woman. And what I absolutely loved how fucking out of the blue she asked "how did I know I had a brain tumor" or something like that...she wanted to know. Lots of people won't talk to me about the brain cancer for whatever reason, but she was straight up about it...I find that refreshing. If I am around someone with say an amputated limb or bad burn or whatever I will straight up as what happened to them too...I like when people cut through the bullshit and go straight to the heart...
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
leaving Memphis
So today I leave Memphis Tennessee...I will take so many memories with me....I just hope these new memories don't leave my mind....I don't want to ever forget my Memphis visit.
I am even somewhat sad to be leaving...Because it is another chapter I am having to close in this weird life of mine....but today I will be starting another chapter...I am headed for Alabama...I have never been to that state (at least not that I remember), I will stay there for 4 days, then head off to the east coast. I have brothers there that I need to see and talk too...
I have friends in other states that I am wanting to see and talk too...
I thought I would be so lonely on this trip of mine...but I am not. I am "free"...I feel so bad for John, my husband..He is not free...he is shackled to a woman who no longer wants to be with him...A woman who doesn't even remember marrying him and giving birth to his children...A woman who does not love him, a woman who is not even sure what love is anymore...
I am searching for myself on this trip....I am starting to learn new pieces of my life that have been hidden...my new mind is forming new opinions, morals, whatever and it is both exciting and scary at the same time. My mind is so open...to new ideals, new places...a new me....
I want to live my life to the fullest...I want to be alive, before I die....
I am even somewhat sad to be leaving...Because it is another chapter I am having to close in this weird life of mine....but today I will be starting another chapter...I am headed for Alabama...I have never been to that state (at least not that I remember), I will stay there for 4 days, then head off to the east coast. I have brothers there that I need to see and talk too...
I have friends in other states that I am wanting to see and talk too...
I thought I would be so lonely on this trip of mine...but I am not. I am "free"...I feel so bad for John, my husband..He is not free...he is shackled to a woman who no longer wants to be with him...A woman who doesn't even remember marrying him and giving birth to his children...A woman who does not love him, a woman who is not even sure what love is anymore...
I am searching for myself on this trip....I am starting to learn new pieces of my life that have been hidden...my new mind is forming new opinions, morals, whatever and it is both exciting and scary at the same time. My mind is so open...to new ideals, new places...a new me....
I want to live my life to the fullest...I want to be alive, before I die....
Monday, March 26, 2018
trip
Today is my last day here in Memphis...I really enjoyed this stay, Memphis is such a cool place and the people have all been really nice...I got to go and do some sightseeing to Civil War era places, I got a "musical" note tattoo, to symbolize the Music History of Memphis...I loved historic Beale Street, the music, the atmosphere..I even got to dance in the street!! haha
However, I did not visit Graceland, I am not an Elvis fan...the tattoo artist told me that Graceland is in a very bad part of the city and the home and grounds are fenced in, he said that I would be disappointed if I spent the money to tour the place...and that if I did go, to take someone with me and not go alone....
I am anxious to get on the road again...I am driving to Alabama tomorrow...I have some friends there, and I have never been to that state, I plan on staying there thru Friday (today is Monday) and checking out Opelika...WAR DAMN EAGLE lol
after Alabama I am going to North Carolina, I have a friend there I would like to see...I will probably stay in NC thru the weekend then strike out for Virginia...I have friends in that state too..don't know how long I will stay in Virginia but also plan on heading to south Carolina, to visit with my brothers...
that is the extent of my plans...after that...I just don't fucking know....
However, I did not visit Graceland, I am not an Elvis fan...the tattoo artist told me that Graceland is in a very bad part of the city and the home and grounds are fenced in, he said that I would be disappointed if I spent the money to tour the place...and that if I did go, to take someone with me and not go alone....
I am anxious to get on the road again...I am driving to Alabama tomorrow...I have some friends there, and I have never been to that state, I plan on staying there thru Friday (today is Monday) and checking out Opelika...WAR DAMN EAGLE lol
after Alabama I am going to North Carolina, I have a friend there I would like to see...I will probably stay in NC thru the weekend then strike out for Virginia...I have friends in that state too..don't know how long I will stay in Virginia but also plan on heading to south Carolina, to visit with my brothers...
that is the extent of my plans...after that...I just don't fucking know....
Sunday, March 25, 2018
Friday, March 23, 2018
Memories
I have lost so many memories, places in my head are just a big fat blank....However, this journey I am on, I am making new memories...MY memories, mine alone...I wrote this about these new memories:
Memories
New memories
are exploding
in my head...
their ash
full of air..
and when I breathe
my heart races....
This is being alive,
wearing sunglasses
because the sun is so bright..
shedding my jacket
because of the warmth...
These new memories
will carry me,
for the rest of my life..
they will fill
the empty spaces
so when I sleep
my head will have cushion...
And when I awaken,
I will remember
and smile....
3-23-18
Memories
New memories
are exploding
in my head...
their ash
full of air..
and when I breathe
my heart races....
This is being alive,
wearing sunglasses
because the sun is so bright..
shedding my jacket
because of the warmth...
These new memories
will carry me,
for the rest of my life..
they will fill
the empty spaces
so when I sleep
my head will have cushion...
And when I awaken,
I will remember
and smile....
3-23-18
Family.......shit
This whole "traveling" thing I am doing, is for ME...it is not for John or the kids or any other family members. I have given myself to John and the kids for 35 years...I have given my energy taking care of not only my family, but homeless people, dogs, and every one else who crossed my path...But, now with my head changing, my ideals, thoughts, morals, religious beliefs, have made me become someone else...Being with John, does not make me happy...Not because he is a bad man or I don't love him or whatever...Its because, I/we have grown apart...He has had 40 yrs of my life...I need to be Melissa/sparrow...not Johns wife or my kids mom...I need my own identity, where I can make my own decisions and not have to consider the feelings of those around me...My head is NOT who I once was....
I try to so fucking hard to try and explain TBI, brain tumors and radiation damage to the frontal lobe of the brain...changes people...it changes who they are, it gives them new personalities, new feelings and thoughts..I FUCKING CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS SO GODDAMN HARD FOR PEOPLE/FAMILY TO ACCEPT AND REALIZE..its like they refuse to believe I am damaged...they refuse to even research and educate themselves on brain damage...and that is fucking because on the outside I look fine, and I have been "Melissa" forever...I am not allowed to be anything MORE but wife, mom and grandma...
My kids are grown with families of their own...I did not abandon them they are adults. My husband is a big boy who makes shit loads of money...he has his friends, his religion and his GOD...I don't want ANY of that...I am fucking tired of walking on egg shells and trying to make every one else happy...I am tired of trying to be someone I am not anymore....I need to breath...and for fucks sake...John deserves a woman who loves and worships the same God as him, he needs a woman who supports him and has a "like" mind as him...THAT IS NOT ME
Since I have been gone...I have been able to breath...my heart is racing again, I am doing things I would have never imagined I would do...and it FEELS RIGHT...I have met some really cool people and all they know about me is what they see...no history...so to them, I AM FUCKING NORMAL..Not having to explain myself or say, "I don't remember you or whatever..." I don't have to look over my shoulder...
I know one thing that is for damn sure...being on this trip, I am a lot less suicidal...in OKC, its all I can think about....ending my life because I am so miserable...but now, I am alive, doing and experiencing new things...I feel alive...I feel "normal." I am Sparrow...free...chasing the wind!!!
Monday, March 19, 2018
Can't run from brain shit
This trip of mine, is not running away from a bad life, or the cops, or whatever...It is trying to find peace....This morning I woke up and my head was screaming with pain...so I know I can't run from illness either...I can't avoid the progression of brain disease, cancer...I can only try and find peace within myself...
But finding my peace is causing heartache and confusion for close friends and family...One side of me needs to take care of them, make things better for them, but the other half of me needs to take care of myself...I know in religious circles, you are suppose to put God first, then others, then yourself...but if I do that, then I am denying my emotions, and my mental health would go into quick decline....
I have been taking care of my physical body for years, doctors, hospitals, surgeries, meds, exercise, diet etc...but now my mental health is in crisis and being locked up and put on mood drugs in a pysch hospital, is NOT taking care of my mental state...it is shutting me up....locking me away...
well I will lock my own self up, I will go away...and be my own prison warden...I will let me, doctor, myself...DOESN'T THAT SOUND FUCKING GOOD???
I am finished taking care of others, it is time to take care of myself...really, take care of myself, not just massages, manicures, facials, superficial shit like that, but taking care of my mind, doing and saying and acting the way my mind is telling me too...is screaming at me too...and already, three days into my trip and the weight of "home" has lifted and I seem to be able to breathe easier....where is this trip/experience going? what is the end game? I just don't know....
But finding my peace is causing heartache and confusion for close friends and family...One side of me needs to take care of them, make things better for them, but the other half of me needs to take care of myself...I know in religious circles, you are suppose to put God first, then others, then yourself...but if I do that, then I am denying my emotions, and my mental health would go into quick decline....
I have been taking care of my physical body for years, doctors, hospitals, surgeries, meds, exercise, diet etc...but now my mental health is in crisis and being locked up and put on mood drugs in a pysch hospital, is NOT taking care of my mental state...it is shutting me up....locking me away...
well I will lock my own self up, I will go away...and be my own prison warden...I will let me, doctor, myself...DOESN'T THAT SOUND FUCKING GOOD???
I am finished taking care of others, it is time to take care of myself...really, take care of myself, not just massages, manicures, facials, superficial shit like that, but taking care of my mind, doing and saying and acting the way my mind is telling me too...is screaming at me too...and already, three days into my trip and the weight of "home" has lifted and I seem to be able to breathe easier....where is this trip/experience going? what is the end game? I just don't know....
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Senseless religion
This is how I NOW feel about prayer...
If only prayer healed,
don't ya think I would try it?
Nothing heals a wounded brain..
not pills/drugs
not acupuncture
not massage, or herbal suppliments
not surgery, not counseling
not fucking positive thoughts
not sheer will, and definitely
not prayer...
My brain is beyond repair, like a disfigured burn victim
forever scarred, rough, hairless, hard to look at...
that is my brain...Yet you cant see the damage, the scars,
its not obvious...Don't ya think if a one armed man, wanted his arm
back, and prayer worked the arm would grow back??
NO
no matter how hard he prays, or how many people are praying for him,
it would just not happen...
Prayer is just wasted breath...
So I will not waste my time and energy believing in something
that just won't happen, a fucking physical impossibility
and I will focus my energy on 'serving others" and trying to get
through the day...alive..
I cannot promise tomorrow will be there for me, it may be the day
I end it-not because I want to, but because my scarred brain is just too
tired and weary and wanting to say goodbye..
the pain, confusion, and riot of my life pushes me to die...
Any given day is a crap shoot,
a walk in a land mine..
which step, will be my last...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If only prayer healed,
don't ya think I would try it?
Nothing heals a wounded brain..
not pills/drugs
not acupuncture
not massage, or herbal suppliments
not surgery, not counseling
not fucking positive thoughts
not sheer will, and definitely
not prayer...
My brain is beyond repair, like a disfigured burn victim
forever scarred, rough, hairless, hard to look at...
that is my brain...Yet you cant see the damage, the scars,
its not obvious...Don't ya think if a one armed man, wanted his arm
back, and prayer worked the arm would grow back??
NO
no matter how hard he prays, or how many people are praying for him,
it would just not happen...
Prayer is just wasted breath...
So I will not waste my time and energy believing in something
that just won't happen, a fucking physical impossibility
and I will focus my energy on 'serving others" and trying to get
through the day...alive..
I cannot promise tomorrow will be there for me, it may be the day
I end it-not because I want to, but because my scarred brain is just too
tired and weary and wanting to say goodbye..
the pain, confusion, and riot of my life pushes me to die...
Any given day is a crap shoot,
a walk in a land mine..
which step, will be my last...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fugitive
My mind, my personality, my morals, are all different now...But not in a good way...Being in Oklahoma, being married, I feel like I am in prison...Sentenced to a life I really do not remember, and don't want to live....I have been looking through the bars, of my jail...Longing to be free...
But I have been sentenced to "brain cancer" I don't need to be placed on death row...I am already there....I wrote this poem last year...
Fugitive
I am a fugitive,
of my own mind..
Running from a crime
I did not commit
A life sentence..
I want to escape..
Run, run, run
but the hounds are getting closer..
The scent of my madness
left everywhere I touch..
Cannot hide,
cannot rest
must move forward
a step ahead, of capture..
chased by a death penalty
a judgement, never overturned...
Upheld, delivered
to the fugitive of life...
But I have been sentenced to "brain cancer" I don't need to be placed on death row...I am already there....I wrote this poem last year...
Fugitive
I am a fugitive,
of my own mind..
Running from a crime
I did not commit
A life sentence..
I want to escape..
Run, run, run
but the hounds are getting closer..
The scent of my madness
left everywhere I touch..
Cannot hide,
cannot rest
must move forward
a step ahead, of capture..
chased by a death penalty
a judgement, never overturned...
Upheld, delivered
to the fugitive of life...
The thunderstorm in my head
I have good days and bad days...On the good days, my head pain is at a tolerable level, and I can smile and be "normal", but on a bad day, the pain is fucking unbelievable and my mood is so dark, its black...My head is storming...I wrote this on a "storm" day..
There is a thunderstorm in my head..
Hard drops of pain,
pounding bolts of lightening...
threatening to flood my heart..
Dams of currents bursting,
invading the levies of my sanity..
the rage of wind,
circling my soul...howling,
drowning my lungs, making reality,
a cyclone of tropical depression..
I can't swim,
too tired to tread thru the bullshit..
swallow me storm, rage on....
------------------------------------------------------------
When the darkness invades my mind
No amount of encouragement
no amount of sunshine
nothing can lift it.
It filters into my soul
poisoning me....
If I make it through the darkness
then I can smile again...
-----------------------------------------------------------
I sit and stare into nothing
I try to get up, but the weight of my mind
Is just too heavy
So I sit,
and stare,
I look at nothing
I feel nothing, except the bleakness of my thoughts
I let them weigh me down..
So I sit and stare, into nothing....
There is a thunderstorm in my head..
Hard drops of pain,
pounding bolts of lightening...
threatening to flood my heart..
Dams of currents bursting,
invading the levies of my sanity..
the rage of wind,
circling my soul...howling,
drowning my lungs, making reality,
a cyclone of tropical depression..
I can't swim,
too tired to tread thru the bullshit..
swallow me storm, rage on....
------------------------------------------------------------
When the darkness invades my mind
No amount of encouragement
no amount of sunshine
nothing can lift it.
It filters into my soul
poisoning me....
If I make it through the darkness
then I can smile again...
-----------------------------------------------------------
I sit and stare into nothing
I try to get up, but the weight of my mind
Is just too heavy
So I sit,
and stare,
I look at nothing
I feel nothing, except the bleakness of my thoughts
I let them weigh me down..
So I sit and stare, into nothing....
Saturday, March 17, 2018
Walking in... this new town
So today I went for a walk and explored this new city. What a beautiful city. The architecture the history I loved it. I had no fear of running into someone that knew me..I could roam and explore without looking over my shoulder. I even found a little blue ball which I bounced and caught along the sidewalk. Like a care free guilt free child just enjoying life..
IF
In trying to figure out the "new" me...I think about other scenarios:
IF
If I could be grass
I would be Bermuda, tough
hard to kill, easy to grow...
If I could be a tree
I would be a Weeping Willow
turned down branches, reaching to the ground..
bowing to life..
If I could be a flower
I would be a black rose
beautiful, soft, yet bloody
to the touch, full of thorns
If I could be a plant
I would be a vine
reaching to the furthest places
trying to touch everything
in my path...ever searching...
IF
If I could be grass
I would be Bermuda, tough
hard to kill, easy to grow...
If I could be a tree
I would be a Weeping Willow
turned down branches, reaching to the ground..
bowing to life..
If I could be a flower
I would be a black rose
beautiful, soft, yet bloody
to the touch, full of thorns
If I could be a plant
I would be a vine
reaching to the furthest places
trying to touch everything
in my path...ever searching...
Who am I
So, I took the road and started driving....Driving to wherever, whenever doing whatever....Stopping when I want, listening to MY music full blast on the stereo...Driving with the windows open...so to speak!
There came a point when I crossed over the border of Oklahoma into another state and at the moment, I felt like I was walking out of prison after serving a life sentence, pardoned, and walking into a new world...I felt happiness, free, yet scared and nervous...What do I do, where do I go in this brand new world?
So, I am in a city and state where I am a fucking stranger, I am in a safe place to stay for at least 2 weeks, then off to find another city and state and adventure..I am not thinking about the future or what if's, just taking one day at a time.
As I was walking out of my house, the only real sense of sadness was saying goodbye to my dogs, especially Boomer....I will see him again, whether I eventually go back to OKC or if I decide to live elsewhere, I will go and get him, but for now I just need to be alone....I know that my husband will take good care of my dogs...
This journey is to try and figure out just "who" the fuck I am...I wrote this.
WHO AM I
Who am I?
A wife, a mother, grandmother..
what does that mean?
Who am I?
A good person, a good friend
A fraud, an imposter
Who am I?
If I can't remember
what does that mean?
Can I still love,
what do others think?
Who am I?
A stranger in Melissa's body
trying to navigate Melissa's world
Failing miserably
Who the fuck am I?
I look like Melissa...but I am not.
I am an imposter in her body, her mind..
With my own agenda...who am I?
I am not her, I am death...to Melissa
There came a point when I crossed over the border of Oklahoma into another state and at the moment, I felt like I was walking out of prison after serving a life sentence, pardoned, and walking into a new world...I felt happiness, free, yet scared and nervous...What do I do, where do I go in this brand new world?
So, I am in a city and state where I am a fucking stranger, I am in a safe place to stay for at least 2 weeks, then off to find another city and state and adventure..I am not thinking about the future or what if's, just taking one day at a time.
As I was walking out of my house, the only real sense of sadness was saying goodbye to my dogs, especially Boomer....I will see him again, whether I eventually go back to OKC or if I decide to live elsewhere, I will go and get him, but for now I just need to be alone....I know that my husband will take good care of my dogs...
This journey is to try and figure out just "who" the fuck I am...I wrote this.
WHO AM I
Who am I?
A wife, a mother, grandmother..
what does that mean?
Who am I?
A good person, a good friend
A fraud, an imposter
Who am I?
If I can't remember
what does that mean?
Can I still love,
what do others think?
Who am I?
A stranger in Melissa's body
trying to navigate Melissa's world
Failing miserably
Who the fuck am I?
I look like Melissa...but I am not.
I am an imposter in her body, her mind..
With my own agenda...who am I?
I am not her, I am death...to Melissa
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Free Sparrow
So, today is the last day at my home, before I leave...I am going away for awhile, don't exactly know how long I will be there, but I do have a sort of plan...
One, is I need to do more writing for the book...It is so hard to concentrate on it here because of all the distractions..
Second, I have NEVER gotten to be alone (at least as far as I can remember), I went from home, to college, to marriage...and now I want to be single, in a new place where nobody fucking knows my name....
Here, where I live, even when I go out to a bar or restaurant or mall or wherever there is a chance someone will recognize me and talk to me like we are old friends...maybe we were, but I don't fucking have a clue who they are...I have forgotten them...so it is very unnerving for me to talk to someone that "knew" me and I didn't know them....or worse, they will see me, not say anything then go tell their friends and family "hey, I saw Missy, and she was sitting at a bar drinking with guys around her and they weren't her husband..."...oh fuck...
and even if I saw them looking at me, they would still be a stranger...Like, shit, I am not saying this right....
People will look at me, and I will wonder "do they know me" if so, "was I nice to them?" or whatever...or they are just people glancing at me, like I do to people....it is crazy...
another reason I want to be in a city where fucking no ones knows me...I can be me...the new me without having to worry about what someone may think or say...
OKC is like a huge prison for me...I can walk the grounds, but I am not free....there are EYES everywhere.
My husband is a very important man at the Air Force Base in which he works...he has been on TV multiple times, he jets to washington DC in the fucking generals jet..he lunches with governors .he travels the country speaking to others about ENVIRONMENTAL issues on military bases...He has won fucking every award out there for the Air Force and for the entire military constellations, navy, army, marines, coast guard everything...they call that the Thomas D White award...he has won that many times...and he is very active in his church and fucking loved by everyone....AND I HAVE TO WALK IN HIS SHADOW...
So you see, this is why I get so nervous in public...I don't want to do anything to compromise his standing... I think this is maybe one of the reasons he won't give me a divorce..Will make him look bad....
Do you know how fucking hard it is to be married to a local superstar??? fuck..I just want to be a wallflower and do my own thing without having to keep up appearances...
You know, when I told him I was leaving for awhile, his first response was "this is not a good time for ME" Yep, its all about him...Fuck me....
I have a friend who is married to an astronaut...shit, I feel bad for her...talk about being married to a superstar!!! She is forever, Astronaut so and so's wife.....I wonder if she ever feels less than....I know I would...
So today, I am going to fucking clean this house, and get everything in order, bills, food, whatever, and then I am gone.....Off to be freeeeeeeeeeeeeee, a Sparrow chasing the wind...
One, is I need to do more writing for the book...It is so hard to concentrate on it here because of all the distractions..
Second, I have NEVER gotten to be alone (at least as far as I can remember), I went from home, to college, to marriage...and now I want to be single, in a new place where nobody fucking knows my name....
Here, where I live, even when I go out to a bar or restaurant or mall or wherever there is a chance someone will recognize me and talk to me like we are old friends...maybe we were, but I don't fucking have a clue who they are...I have forgotten them...so it is very unnerving for me to talk to someone that "knew" me and I didn't know them....or worse, they will see me, not say anything then go tell their friends and family "hey, I saw Missy, and she was sitting at a bar drinking with guys around her and they weren't her husband..."...oh fuck...
and even if I saw them looking at me, they would still be a stranger...Like, shit, I am not saying this right....
People will look at me, and I will wonder "do they know me" if so, "was I nice to them?" or whatever...or they are just people glancing at me, like I do to people....it is crazy...
another reason I want to be in a city where fucking no ones knows me...I can be me...the new me without having to worry about what someone may think or say...
OKC is like a huge prison for me...I can walk the grounds, but I am not free....there are EYES everywhere.
My husband is a very important man at the Air Force Base in which he works...he has been on TV multiple times, he jets to washington DC in the fucking generals jet..he lunches with governors .he travels the country speaking to others about ENVIRONMENTAL issues on military bases...He has won fucking every award out there for the Air Force and for the entire military constellations, navy, army, marines, coast guard everything...they call that the Thomas D White award...he has won that many times...and he is very active in his church and fucking loved by everyone....AND I HAVE TO WALK IN HIS SHADOW...
So you see, this is why I get so nervous in public...I don't want to do anything to compromise his standing... I think this is maybe one of the reasons he won't give me a divorce..Will make him look bad....
Do you know how fucking hard it is to be married to a local superstar??? fuck..I just want to be a wallflower and do my own thing without having to keep up appearances...
You know, when I told him I was leaving for awhile, his first response was "this is not a good time for ME" Yep, its all about him...Fuck me....
I have a friend who is married to an astronaut...shit, I feel bad for her...talk about being married to a superstar!!! She is forever, Astronaut so and so's wife.....I wonder if she ever feels less than....I know I would...
So today, I am going to fucking clean this house, and get everything in order, bills, food, whatever, and then I am gone.....Off to be freeeeeeeeeeeeeee, a Sparrow chasing the wind...
Wednesday, March 14, 2018
my dogs..and goober grandson!
enough
I think about dying all the time...the doctors at the psych hospital diagnosed me with "clinical depression/suicidal ideology"...another fucking label...I think about dying because I get so fucking tired of living....you know, pain, can be a decision maker...especially chronic pain...head pain...emotional pain...
I can get so depressed and down...especially when my headaches seem to be worse than usual...HA, everytime I see my doctor they ask me..."on a scale from 1-5, 5 being the worse pain you have ever had...where is your pain now???" seriously??? How can I even answer that? when you live with pain every fucking day you learn to deal with it...you actually get a sort of pain tolerance...so for me most of the time I would say "2-3" but for a normal person dealing with the pain I deal with they would probably say "5"...so even when I answer that question, it is not really accurate...
I do not take any pain meds for the headaches...maybe some weed...but that is more for the nausea that the headaches cause...One day, when the pain becomes unbearable I will have had "enough"
Enough
One day, I will have had enough
enough of life, living
enough of pain and confusion
enough to fill
an entire book
chapter after chapter
of a shit reality...
I will go into my garage
I will sit in my truck
roll down the windows
turn on the ignition
and let the truck drive to nowhere...
My head laid back
against the seat
eyes closed, listening to the music
playing in my head..
drifting off into dreamland
sleeping, forever
enough, done...
I can get so depressed and down...especially when my headaches seem to be worse than usual...HA, everytime I see my doctor they ask me..."on a scale from 1-5, 5 being the worse pain you have ever had...where is your pain now???" seriously??? How can I even answer that? when you live with pain every fucking day you learn to deal with it...you actually get a sort of pain tolerance...so for me most of the time I would say "2-3" but for a normal person dealing with the pain I deal with they would probably say "5"...so even when I answer that question, it is not really accurate...
I do not take any pain meds for the headaches...maybe some weed...but that is more for the nausea that the headaches cause...One day, when the pain becomes unbearable I will have had "enough"
Enough
One day, I will have had enough
enough of life, living
enough of pain and confusion
enough to fill
an entire book
chapter after chapter
of a shit reality...
I will go into my garage
I will sit in my truck
roll down the windows
turn on the ignition
and let the truck drive to nowhere...
My head laid back
against the seat
eyes closed, listening to the music
playing in my head..
drifting off into dreamland
sleeping, forever
enough, done...
Air
Can you see the wind?
I can..
I see, when it's angry..
black, twisting
violent burst of rage
slapping me in the face
stinging in red....
I see when the wind
is my lover
light purple zephres
gentle touches of rose
caressing easily, my body
blowing blue breezes
in my ears...
I see when the wind
is sad..
It sits pale and still
watching, whispering, waiting
wanting to lift up and run
begging to be held, loved..
pleading for air...
Emotional overload
So, I don't know how to deal with my "over the top" emotions at times....For instance, last night was a beautiful night, yet, I started crying for no goddamn good reason...what a fucking baby...
Other times I will find something or whatever so funny and laugh my butt off, when others are like "well its not that funny" or "what are you laughing about"
Or..worse...I will fly into a fucking rage and throw things, scream, yell, be totally out of control, in a black out rage....then when the rage is gone, I have to pick up the fucking pieces...and then I feel so guilty...like "death row" guilty...
and then oddly, I won't feel any emotion at all...something really horrible happens and I feel nothing...It is like I either over/feel or don't feel at all...like a sociopath...
and sometimes I want to feel pain....I want to be hurt...to see if I can still feel....I will burn myself, get a tattoo anything to feel that wonderful pain, because it reminds me I am still a human being, rather than a fucking monster...sometimes during sex, I have this overwhelming urge to be hurt, hit, punched or slapped or whatever...I really don't think I use to be like that...its the new me, maybe...what a FREAK
Maybe I want to be hurt as it is me serving my sentence...penance for changing...my punishment for hurting my family, and others around me, for lying every fucking day, so people are comfortable, pretending to be the old Melissa...Shit...I should get an academy award for my act...People will talk to me like "remember when..." or they will talk about stuff that "I should know" but fucking don't remember or even care about, but I play along and act like I do remember...lying...playing the game...
I do realize somewhere in my shit brain...that what is happening to me is beyond my control...the tumors, the radiation poisoning, even the initial brain injury...and I should just roll with that...but I can't, it is so fucking hard because on the outside...I look fine, pretty even..I can still be active physically...and I know that makes it hard for people to understand my injuries are on the inside, hiding....and really...I try to understand that too...to be in denial...I tell myself "there are so many people out there who have it way worse"...but seriously? How can it be any worse than your fucking brain changing without your permission, the chronic fucking headaches...but again...no one sees that so I must be fine...well, those immediately around me see the change, but others don't...
I had to do something, I had to basically tell a woman to NOT try and be my friend. I literally pushed her away...she is christian...I am not....I do not do any religious stuff...the new me....and I will not try and be to her something I just can't be....I can't spare her feelings or belief system from me...I will in time fucking exhaust her...and I DO NOT WANT TO BE SOMEONES PET PROJECT... I will not get saved...I will not pray...I fear she may have wanted to be my friend in the hopes that she can "get through to me about Jesus...." NOT gonna happen...so I just spared her the time and energy of even trying....and I spared me the agony of having to hurt yet another person...
Because in the end that is what I do best...Hurt others....
Other times I will find something or whatever so funny and laugh my butt off, when others are like "well its not that funny" or "what are you laughing about"
Or..worse...I will fly into a fucking rage and throw things, scream, yell, be totally out of control, in a black out rage....then when the rage is gone, I have to pick up the fucking pieces...and then I feel so guilty...like "death row" guilty...
and then oddly, I won't feel any emotion at all...something really horrible happens and I feel nothing...It is like I either over/feel or don't feel at all...like a sociopath...
and sometimes I want to feel pain....I want to be hurt...to see if I can still feel....I will burn myself, get a tattoo anything to feel that wonderful pain, because it reminds me I am still a human being, rather than a fucking monster...sometimes during sex, I have this overwhelming urge to be hurt, hit, punched or slapped or whatever...I really don't think I use to be like that...its the new me, maybe...what a FREAK
Maybe I want to be hurt as it is me serving my sentence...penance for changing...my punishment for hurting my family, and others around me, for lying every fucking day, so people are comfortable, pretending to be the old Melissa...Shit...I should get an academy award for my act...People will talk to me like "remember when..." or they will talk about stuff that "I should know" but fucking don't remember or even care about, but I play along and act like I do remember...lying...playing the game...
I do realize somewhere in my shit brain...that what is happening to me is beyond my control...the tumors, the radiation poisoning, even the initial brain injury...and I should just roll with that...but I can't, it is so fucking hard because on the outside...I look fine, pretty even..I can still be active physically...and I know that makes it hard for people to understand my injuries are on the inside, hiding....and really...I try to understand that too...to be in denial...I tell myself "there are so many people out there who have it way worse"...but seriously? How can it be any worse than your fucking brain changing without your permission, the chronic fucking headaches...but again...no one sees that so I must be fine...well, those immediately around me see the change, but others don't...
I had to do something, I had to basically tell a woman to NOT try and be my friend. I literally pushed her away...she is christian...I am not....I do not do any religious stuff...the new me....and I will not try and be to her something I just can't be....I can't spare her feelings or belief system from me...I will in time fucking exhaust her...and I DO NOT WANT TO BE SOMEONES PET PROJECT... I will not get saved...I will not pray...I fear she may have wanted to be my friend in the hopes that she can "get through to me about Jesus...." NOT gonna happen...so I just spared her the time and energy of even trying....and I spared me the agony of having to hurt yet another person...
Because in the end that is what I do best...Hurt others....
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
An Empty Room
I think of my new brain...my new normal...and I try to describe it...but, it is hard...I wrote this..
An Empty Room
It's a lonely walk
thru my mind.
endless corridors, hallways
that open, to empty rooms
rooms void of sweet emotion
an angry room
a sad room
a vacant room
littered with debris
from a useless life.
trash, cobwebs, dust
articles of waste, worthless
souvenirs of trash
nothing of value
No treasures, just empty rooms
broken windows, and shattered memories..
My brain has changed so much in the last almost 10 yrs... my memories of my past life have packed up and left, leaving all this empty space in my head...empty rooms...
So now, I am trying to make new memories, put new furniture back into those rooms...and it is not making the previous owners happy...lol (being family and old friends)...they do not like the new architect, the new additions...they do not approve of my tastes..
which makes it very hard for me...so I have to sneak in the new items and hope I don't get caught!!
An Empty Room
It's a lonely walk
thru my mind.
endless corridors, hallways
that open, to empty rooms
rooms void of sweet emotion
an angry room
a sad room
a vacant room
littered with debris
from a useless life.
trash, cobwebs, dust
articles of waste, worthless
souvenirs of trash
nothing of value
No treasures, just empty rooms
broken windows, and shattered memories..
My brain has changed so much in the last almost 10 yrs... my memories of my past life have packed up and left, leaving all this empty space in my head...empty rooms...
So now, I am trying to make new memories, put new furniture back into those rooms...and it is not making the previous owners happy...lol (being family and old friends)...they do not like the new architect, the new additions...they do not approve of my tastes..
which makes it very hard for me...so I have to sneak in the new items and hope I don't get caught!!
Monday, March 12, 2018
My Brain...
I am repeatedly told that if I would take "meds" these episodes would not happen...but then, I would just be a fucking non-feeling zombie...I can't be that...not anymore.
In Sept of 2016 (I think), I was having so many seizures, the pain was out of control, I was in an awful mental state...I was maxed on dosage of ALL my meds...demoral, morphine, anti-depressants, mood stablizers, seizure meds, nausea meds, and all the other shit drugs I was on...I had had enough. With the help of my pain management doctor, I detoxed off each drug, one at a time....I think it took like 4 mos...but since then...I have not had ONE seizure...the pain is bad, but not any worse than when I was on all those drugs...I don't sleep as good, my dreams are very violent, but...I am not a zombie...I feel emotion...I feel human.
I also feel confusion, emotional instability at times, extreme sadness, feelings of suicide, but also happiness where I actually laugh or giggle...I can feel sexual desire...I fucking feel alive...
Last sept (17), my suicidal ideology and depression was over the top...a friend talked me into going to the hospital, which I really did not want to do, but I did...I was immediately put under armed guard, evaluated and eventually sent to a mental hospital...I was EOD, emergency order of detention..I had no choice, I was placed in a police car and driven 2 hours away, to the hospital. I was there for 12 days. I was put on a shitload of drugs again, saw a shrink, and when I finally did and said all the right things, they released me.
All those drugs, again, were fucking with my body in adverse reactions, so I stopped them all....cold turkey... I canceled all my follow up appointments with shrink and therapist...I have been there did that many times....it is just redundant anymore...
The fact is, I have 7 brain tumors, I have radiation poisoning in my frontal lobe, I have a brain injury...no amount of pills or therapy is ever gonna change that...It is just what it is...I will live with whatever life is now choosing to throw at me....
This is what I wrote, to describe my Heaviness:
Raindrops sound like a million voices as they hit the ground..
Muffled, chaotic, frantic, babbling beads of insanity.
Its like the rain is running away from the clouds
Clouds of doom
drops crashing to the ground, exploding in a splash of blood
a tiny bomb
rippling the earth, directly around
when my "heaviness" comes, it is running from my brain
crashing into my emotions
splashing into rage, anger, shaking everyone around me
bleeding, over and over.
Until is stops, suddenly, and the clouds part, the sun peaks out
explosions go away, and hurt dries up.
Only then can I smile...
Sunday, March 11, 2018
repressed memories poem
This is a poem I wrote about my fear of repressed memories coming back...the memories being "The Wolf"
PREY
The wolf
stalks her, his prey
watching, waiting
ready to attack..
Slow mournful howls
tracking, listening
smelling...
The predator, the prey.
The scent of fear
that first bite
deep, twisting
painful, bloody, deadly.
The kill so easy
she chokes for air
and gazes into the eyes
of the beast
until her heart
beats no more....
2018
Remembering my past, hating who I was/am, will kill me...I know it...
PREY
The wolf
stalks her, his prey
watching, waiting
ready to attack..
Slow mournful howls
tracking, listening
smelling...
The predator, the prey.
The scent of fear
that first bite
deep, twisting
painful, bloody, deadly.
The kill so easy
she chokes for air
and gazes into the eyes
of the beast
until her heart
beats no more....
2018
Remembering my past, hating who I was/am, will kill me...I know it...
can't remember
So, because of my brain injury, I have trouble trying to explain what I am feeling...putting into words what is going on in my head...but I have found that writing short stories in like 3rd person of my experiences and poems is easier. If I am going to write about an event in my life that is not pleasant, I will write it as a "story" and the victim is not necessarily me...seems, most of my life up and until the initial brain injury in late 80's was very "violent, abusive"...after that, my brain becomes a fog. I recently read through some things I had written as a teenager and young adult...they are "weird" to me because I don't remember much of what the writings/stories were about.
I guess when therapist say you have "blocked" memories, that is true, or "repressed" memories. But lately some of those memories are trying to break the surface, and frankly that scares me. Because some of the writings are quite "shocking and brutal". they include, child abuse, sexual abuse, animal abuse, occult shit...damn...I REALLY don't want to remember that shit.
You know what is funny...? I did not realize that I had repressed memories or that I was forgetting my past until one day, me and some girls were sitting around and the topic came to childbirth...the girls were talking about their birth experiences and I realized with a shock, that I do not remember giving birth to my two bio kids...in fact, I did not remember even being pregnant with them, nor do I remember their early childhoods...OMG...it was like a huge bucket of ice cold water was fucking doused all over me...I got their photo albums out, baby books, etc and started pouring over those pics and NOTHING...This is when I went into therapy for brain issues...I am not sure, but I believe this conversation with these girls was in like 2012...4 years after my radiation brain surgery for the tumor and some 15 yrs after the initial brain injury...ALSO, I could not remember my wedding. In fact, I also realized that I did not have "love" feelings for my kids or husband...I had been playing the wife/mother game absentmindedly, just going through the motions. TBI therapy really started showing me just how fucking messed up I was...I had forgotten most of my education in American Sign Language, things I use to love to do (reading books, teaching ASL etc..) I no longer liked or could do. I also lost my "love of God or religion"...before my tumor surgery, I taught sunday school youth, taught Girls in Action, was a church secretary, and was extrememly active in our church. I was "saved and baptized" (I have certificates for those) but all of that was GONE from my memory. I only know I did those things because I was told I did. I have also forgotten most of the people in that church...People I have known for years are now strangers to me.....
In 2014 I was diagnosed with 5-6 more brain tumors...they are all on the frontal lobe of the brain in the personality, memory, speech and cognitive areas of the brain....I am changing...I am NOT the Melissa my family, friends etc know me to be....I am NO longer religious at all, in fact I question if there even is a God...I am not a wife...on paper I am, but in my head, I AM NOT...on paper I am a mom and grandma...but in my head...I AM NOT.
The person I am today is so fucking opposite of who I was...it is shocking to those who have not watched my gradual change...and because I am not the woman everyone expects or knows, this makes me feel like a prisoner...It is torture for me to continue the ruse when family is around...I just want to scream and tell them to leave me the fuck alone...I want a divorce so bad, but my husband won't give me one....I do not love him, I do not want to be married, I do not even want to live here anymore....I AM NOT MELISSA ...I am sparrow.
I guess when therapist say you have "blocked" memories, that is true, or "repressed" memories. But lately some of those memories are trying to break the surface, and frankly that scares me. Because some of the writings are quite "shocking and brutal". they include, child abuse, sexual abuse, animal abuse, occult shit...damn...I REALLY don't want to remember that shit.
You know what is funny...? I did not realize that I had repressed memories or that I was forgetting my past until one day, me and some girls were sitting around and the topic came to childbirth...the girls were talking about their birth experiences and I realized with a shock, that I do not remember giving birth to my two bio kids...in fact, I did not remember even being pregnant with them, nor do I remember their early childhoods...OMG...it was like a huge bucket of ice cold water was fucking doused all over me...I got their photo albums out, baby books, etc and started pouring over those pics and NOTHING...This is when I went into therapy for brain issues...I am not sure, but I believe this conversation with these girls was in like 2012...4 years after my radiation brain surgery for the tumor and some 15 yrs after the initial brain injury...ALSO, I could not remember my wedding. In fact, I also realized that I did not have "love" feelings for my kids or husband...I had been playing the wife/mother game absentmindedly, just going through the motions. TBI therapy really started showing me just how fucking messed up I was...I had forgotten most of my education in American Sign Language, things I use to love to do (reading books, teaching ASL etc..) I no longer liked or could do. I also lost my "love of God or religion"...before my tumor surgery, I taught sunday school youth, taught Girls in Action, was a church secretary, and was extrememly active in our church. I was "saved and baptized" (I have certificates for those) but all of that was GONE from my memory. I only know I did those things because I was told I did. I have also forgotten most of the people in that church...People I have known for years are now strangers to me.....
In 2014 I was diagnosed with 5-6 more brain tumors...they are all on the frontal lobe of the brain in the personality, memory, speech and cognitive areas of the brain....I am changing...I am NOT the Melissa my family, friends etc know me to be....I am NO longer religious at all, in fact I question if there even is a God...I am not a wife...on paper I am, but in my head, I AM NOT...on paper I am a mom and grandma...but in my head...I AM NOT.
The person I am today is so fucking opposite of who I was...it is shocking to those who have not watched my gradual change...and because I am not the woman everyone expects or knows, this makes me feel like a prisoner...It is torture for me to continue the ruse when family is around...I just want to scream and tell them to leave me the fuck alone...I want a divorce so bad, but my husband won't give me one....I do not love him, I do not want to be married, I do not even want to live here anymore....I AM NOT MELISSA ...I am sparrow.
Saturday, March 10, 2018
Sparrow
Hi, my name is Sparrow. This is my journey to madness...
In the late 1980's when I was in my twenties, I suffered a Traumatic brain injury..Fast forward to 2008 and I was diagnosed with a Meningeoma Brain Tumor that had developed in the exact place as the brain injury. Left Frontal Lobe. In 2009 I underwent Stereotactic Radiation Brain Surgery. 14 beams of radiation shot into the tumor (which was inoperable as it butted up against the Sattual Sinus Vein). One of those beams of radiation leaked and went off course and poisoned healthy frontal lobe matter...Fast forward 2014, and 6 more tumors were found..all along the frontal lobe. This is my fucked up story of going from a "normal" mom, wife, grandma...into becoming a person nobody knows anymore...
She closes her eyes and imagines
she can fly.
She watches the road
stretch out before her.
She is a bird, chasing the wind..
Soaring away, from the clouds
and searching for a place to land.
She is a SPARROW, so tiny
against the sky.....
She closes her eyes and imagines
she can fly.
She watches the road
stretch out before her.
She is a bird, chasing the wind..
Soaring away, from the clouds
and searching for a place to land.
against the sky.....
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