the Tent

 You know, as much as I complain about being lonely and isolated,  I enjoy my solitude so much.  I enjoy being able to get away to my own space, and to be alone with my thoughts and my animals....

I have come to the realization that I will never have again, a close girl friend, one I can talk "girl" stuff with, someone I can commiserate with regarding relationship issues...someone who also will talk with me about really "sensitive" issues and issues that can be resolved by talking with someone of the same sex who understands the "female" brain, because they are also female.

As much as I want to talk with Kevin about "what is going on in my female brain" I just can't, because he is a he!   And men, just cannot understand a womans brain, anymore than a woman can really understand a mans brain and how the two brains think differently...

Men want to talk about "outward" issues, fixing stuff, their jobs, cars, whatever...whereas women want to talk about "inward" things, thoughts, feelings, fears, etc....

This is the real reason, men cannot be "best friends" with women...its not a sex thing at all, its a mental thing.....men are just not there for women, and likewise, women are just not there for men.  Period.

My blog is my best girl friend.   This is where I talk about what is in my head, where I put into words what I feel and think, then as I reread my blogs,  I can see where "issues" got better, where "issues" are stagnant, and where "issues" are getting worse.  Having this knowledge helps me to better "fix" my own problems.   

For example:  I do understand that the shorter days and darker colder months cause my depression to worsen....so, I have to find ways to try and make the most out of the shorter days,  I have to force myself to get dressed go outside, take Boomer to the park, or something...it is way to fucking easy for me to sit around and be consumed with despair and hopelessness...

Instead of having someone to talk to,  I will take boomer and go do something, just to get outside and reset.   Before, when I had a best friend, we would talk on the phone for hours about anything and everything and that helped my depression exponentially.   But, now that I do not have that kind of friend, I have been forced to be more content and happy doing stuff that does not require me to really talk or think about what is in my head.

In the evenings, Kevin will come up and we will watch some thing on television, and I will cuddle up to him on the sofa.   I love when he puts his arm around me and we just snuggle together...no words needed at that time.   I am learning that with Kevin, no words and communication is needed most of the time....So the nights we are together watching TV or eating dinner, I know to keep my thoughts and feelings and things that are on my mind to myself.   If I start to say something, or say "we need to talk about this or that", it shuts him down immediately...so keeping my mouth shut is the best.  We seem to be better partners if I just shut the fuck up.

So, my blog is now my best friend.   I am grateful that I have at least this....I have no fucking ideal who is reading this, but if you are a woman, I bet you can relate to most of my blogs, especially if you are an older more isolated woman.   Maybe even by reading my blogs, they can help you too....

I am not one to mince words, I just vomit all over my blogs...then I feel better.  It is way better than vomiting all over Kevin!  haha....he is a man, and my vomit is not his vomit, so he can't get it...and when he vomits all over me, I don't get it either...our minds are too fucking different.  So I am content to let Kevin be my tent, while I keep the radio (my brain) to myself...If Kevin thinks something is off with me, all he has to do is read my blogs....I am no longer going to try and explain myself or my feelings or emotions or any of that shit to him.   I am just going to let his "tent" protect me from outside elements,  and try to do my best to listen to my "radio" and protect the inside of my brain...I can do that!

Today, I have an appointment at 11:00 am, then volunteering at the dog center at 1:00 pm.  Kevin is going to pick his son up for the holiday, so I will be without him, which is fine.   I know that Kevin will be very busy with him until Christmas eve, so I won't see him much.   David needs his father, so whenever Kevin has David, I become scarce.   I did not get much time with my own father because of divorce, so the time I did have I was very selfish and did not want to share him with anyone...David needs this time too, especially now that he is 12 almost 13.   David gets enough female influence from his mom,  he does not need or probably even want my influence.  In fact, if I were David and I was spending a couple of days with my dad, I would NOT want some woman around all the time, especially just a girl friend...I would want and NEED to have my dad all to myself.   I firmly believe this, and have told this to Kevin billions of times....I am not Davids mother, or step mother,  I am only a part of Davids life vicariously through Kevin.  We will probably do a couple things all together, but ultimately, I will stay away and let David have 100% of his dads attention, and let Kevin  have 100% of Davids attention.   

Today, and for the next coming days my blogs may be all over the place...so be prepared!  haha

S

Old dog, new tricks

 So on You Tube,  I have started watching more and more self-help videos.   You can teach an old dog new tricks IF that old dog wants to learn them. Case in point, my dog is 11 yrs old.  He has his ways, but as he has gotten older he has learned to use a ramp to get into my jeep as opposed to just jumping in, it took some training and encouragement but he soon learned how....

I have been trying to apply that to my own life.   I watch videos ranging from "medication options" to "nutritional options", to "holistic medicine" to "mental therapy guides for different mental conditions" to "relationship guides", etc.....even "political divides", I want to learn what is where and why and how....

So much of what I glean from these videos I want to share with my partner, to better equip him on his health or other things,  and for our communication levels....But,  so many of things and insights I am learning, my partner rejects, or disregards especially if it is something I want for both of us.

Much of what I discover I share with him, he listens and often times agrees with, especially when it is about me and my "health"....but when I turn the tables on him, he is more resistant.  My partner is that old dog that "has done things the same way, thought things the same way, behaved the same way his entire life and very much resists change,  especially when it comes to his behavior or addictions...ie, smoking, eating crap food, hygiene and the status quo.   He does not like change....

Yesterday, I watched a "relationship video" which was mostly centered around women, but could be  viewed to a male prospective too....I wanted to talk about it.   I immediately told him that I am aware of aspects of my life that I needed to change, or do more of, ie...mental health therapy,  my obsession with cleanliness and putting your best foot forward in public.   I owned up to my short comings and I expressed a desire to change....but, it is a two-way street.   For me to even want to change and make myself a better person, my partner needs to have the same goals too, I think.   When I tried to express to him how "I like him", or "how doing this or that, will make his life better and mine as a couple, I felt he immediately went on the defensive.   I truly believe that in his own mind, he thinks he is right and I am just "being" stupid.....

Me asking him to shave at least twice a week he takes as an astronomical chore he just flat can't do...He says that I never had an issue with his furry face and untamed beard, in the beginning, and that I loved his soft facial hair....but the fact is...the very first picture I have of us together, he is clean shaven...no unkempt fur face, nice and shaved and sculpted.....it has been over the past 5 years that he has started balking at me wanting him to shave and have a smooth face.....a groomed beard.   I shave my legs so when he touches my legs they are soft and smooth.....when I touch his face or he kisses me, I want to touch a soft smooth face too....but he doesn't get that.   I have never asked him to cut his hair or shave his beard off....I love his hair and beard, but I do not love a wolfman....

He told me it would take years for him to get in the habit of shaving and making the time to shave for me....but just how many years will that take?   How many years do we even have left at this age?  This is a battle we have been having for 5 years!  Come on, old dog....learn a new trick!

For me,  cleanliness and order when it comes to my body is nothing but "self respect"....he does not seem to have any self respect....so when I mentioned that particular subject, our whole evening of communication was shattered.  I was effectively shut down.....I never got to talk about anything else I had learned from the "relationship video" because he shut me down....so the rest of the night I went through the motions of "being okay".    He wants me to "hear" him, but when I want him to "hear" me, he puts in the ear plugs, or explains away why he doesn't agree or goes into long tangents about how much he has changed, because of me....this made me feel like I am nothing more than a "controlling bitch"...wanting our relationship to be more deep and meaningful....I crave a relationship that is "safe" in every possible way.  I have literally uprooted and changed my FUCKING ENTIRE LIFE, FOR HIM.

A long time ago, I asked Kevin on his days off, to not Dallas Cowboy up in all his garb, which was his habit,  not because I am against the cowboys, but because we could go nowhere in public without lengthy conversations with other cowboy fans or people who are anti-cowboy.   I NEVER asked him to stop wearing his dallas cowboy garb permanently.    But he has stopped, aside from a DC ball cap, he has stopped.   And this is the first christmas he has not put up a tree with all the DC decorations.   He has spent thousands and thousands of dollars on "all things Cowboys" and now,  because of me, he has basically put all that away.   And now, when I mention his "not being so dallas", he says "he has lost interest in them".....THAT IS MY FAULT.   IT WAS MY WORDS THAT PERSUADED HIM TO PUT THE COWBOYS DOWN....and that was never my intention.

Am I really that selfish?  Am I being selfish in trying to communicate my likes and dislikes with him?  Am I wrong questioning him?  Am I wrong just opening up my mouth and trying to be a better partner?   I rarely want to talk, really talk anymore, because when I do want to talk about our relationship, I can physically see the walls going up behind his eyes.....and even when he does "listen",  he really doesn't listen,  he reverts back to his own ways and ways of thinking...in all departments of our life together.  He is right and I am wrong in believing that our relationship can even be better....

I guess, in my stupid head,  I envision us being perfect for each other, each of us doing things that please and honor the other.....we are a reflection of each other...or at least we should be....I cannot truly communicate my ideals, wants, needs, wishes, aspirations or anything else to him, when I can literally see him becoming defensive before he even opens his mouth to plead his case....I am an empath, and I am hyper alert to emotions, auras and the like, I am adept at reading between the lines...it is a fucking curse.  

Men are from mars and women are from venus, I guess.   Maybe being gay is the way to go, then its two men on the same planet, or two women on the same planet,  and everyone is on the same page.  

I know one thing for sure....I will still be watching videos for self help...I still want to grow and mature and learn new ideals, concepts and the like.   There is room in my head for growth.  Maybe that is the womans brain...because once a man is at a certain age, growth stops and you literally cannot teach that old dog man new tricks.

Sigh

S

PS.  Kevin watches tons of You tube videos too.....he watches videos on flat earthers, atheism, wood working, space rockets,  and shit like that....all that to educate him self....but, the difference in what we watch is this "I watch videos to enhance my relationship issues, mental issues, health issues, all geared to being a better person to my significant other....the videos he watches do nothing to enhance our relationship as a partner.....so,  obviously, we have different opinions, likes and dislikes...but whereas I see the videos I watch as "helping us both",  his videos only help himself, and I am left out...he tells me shit, but it is material shit that has absolutely nothing to do with furthering and engaging in a better partnership dynamic....so there's that....again, Men are from Mars...

41 years

 So today, December 17th is my 41 year wedding anniversary.  I am still married, just legally separated.  

I find it so hard to believe that I am still married to the same man after 41 years.   I don't know how to feel today...I know that John and the kids are probably thinking about it...or maybe they don't even remember today is their parents wedding anniversary.

41 years ago, I married John.  I married him because I did not want to have to move to Hawaii where my folks were stationed.  I married John because I knew he would be a good father, a good provider and a good man...he did not drink, he was not abusive and he was kind.   Everything in a "dad" that I could find.  I married John, because I wanted to have a baby...all my life I wanted to have a baby...and I knew in my heart, that John would NOT be the type of father (fathers) I had.   I knew that John would never beat, abuse or do anything horrible to his child...

I use to put a little bible under my pillow and pray to god that I would not die and that I would be able to have a baby when "I grew up"...I wanted a baby, so I could love it and give it the care, support, and affection I did not receive as a baby, child.   I wanted to prove that I could be a better mother than my own was...

John also knew that I did not love him when we got married....I told him that...but his answer was "you will learn to love me"....and there were times early on in the marriage that I thought I did love him...But I was confusing love with security....I was physically safe, as were my kids...but I had no ideal that as our marriage grew, the psychological and mind games started..the more John embraced Christianity, the more controlling he got....he started dictating what we could or could not watch on TV, what we could and could not listen to on the radio...he refused to take me to the movies..he started dictating what I could even wear, where I could go and who I could hang out with....

The abuse started again...this time it was not physical or sexual abuse, it was mental abuse...he was the ultimate gaslighter for god.    We no longer had conversations,  I would try and tell him something and he would always say "I will pray about it", then that was it....nothing was ever communicated from god to him to tell me....His religion got so extreme that I could not bear it anymore...I left as soon as I could, as soon as the kids were grown and gone, as soon as I could financially leave....the final straw was after my suicide attempt and consequent hospitalization and the fucking "ignoring of this event by everyone" finally was it....I had to leave...I could not breathe anymore, I was walking on eggshells to not upset John and get "religious scolding's"...I was a grown ass women but John treated me as his "servant".

Since he is so fucking religious, he refused to divorce me (I had for years, over 20 years asked for a divorce) but he did allow me to legally separate from him.   Mostly for two reasons, 1-he thinks I will sow my wild oats then come back to him, and 2-he didn't want me to lose my health insurance as I have pre-existing medical conditions.   So we legally separated.  We are divorced in every since of the word, all that is left to sign on the dotted line.....

So, I don't feel married at all...but yet I am....41 years now.....I am hoping that I do not suffer from the new anti-No default divorce.   This new Christian Nationalism wants to do away with those types of divorces...effectively giving women zero rights to leave a marriage...Oklahoma is a solid red state,  I left John, my decision,  will I lose that decision and be forced to honor our marriage?  Or will my legal separation be grandfathered in and I will not be affected....if I am forced to go back to that marriage, I will die.   pure and simple.

I will not go back...I would rather go to prison, than go to John....wow...

S

Grandsons and school testing

 Why is it that I find out "really cool" things about my kids and grandkids from my X.  Why can't my kids call me or text me or something with the things their kids are doing?

My daughter's son, Kingston, who is only 14 yrs old, is now taking college prep math classes that seniors take...he is gifted in Math and Science.  Now, Taryn did tell me this in a text, or it might have been John, I can't remember...but, my son's youngest son, Easton, who is in the 3rd grade(?) has been placed in the gifted program for "Cognitive thinking skills"...very cool.

But I learn all of these exciting tidbits from John....my kids don't seem fit enough to actually tell me.  The same with my dad and any other issues...it is John, he is the only one that keeps me up to date, but even then I rarely hear from him about anything.

I called my dad on his birthday,  he had just gotten home from the hospital (which I also did not know about), he had an eye infection,  so when I "face-timed" him, he appeared swollen or bloated, but he seemed to know who I was....then taryn takes the phone back and says to me "I miss you, I wish you were here"?   Really?

WHY?  Next time she says something like that to me, I am asking her "why"....I am pretty sure, they all want me back, so I can take care of my dad and they can all skate back to their merry ole lives and I can be the servant once again....FUCK THAT SHIT

It seems to me that if what my kids and John says "I wish you were here, or I miss you", then why don't they keep in touch with me?  Why don't they share their lives with me, why don't they reach out and try and understand just why I left?   When I do text or speak with them on the cell, they NEVER ask how I am doing, its always all about them....sigh...some things never change.

And if they DO ask "how are you doing?"  they really don't want the answer, because the few times I did honestly answer them, they turned everything around to be about them....they really aren't interested in how I am actually doing at all....its just small talk "thoughts and prayers" type of bullshit....

So anyway......I am excited about my grandsons doing so well in school...but at the same time, I wish my kids themselves would tell me about the "good" things their children are doing....I always have to hear everything from John, and frankly, I get so tired of hearing his bullshit and even his voice.  sigh

So YAY for Kingston and Easton....but BOOOOO that I have to hear about them through their Papa.

S

soothing rain..

 Last night, as I was getting ready for bed, I heard the rain outside my window...it was feint, like sprinkling through the trees.  So, I raised the window up, turned off all the lights and sat on the bathroom floor listening to the rain through the open window.

It was raining harder than I thought, and the sounds were so comforting.  So I sat on the floor and let the sounds of rain pour over me.

Rain, is soothing, like washing away of the ugliness of life...

When I was a small child,  I loved when it rained.  Because that meant that the fucking abuser would not be coming home that night from work.   Evidently, something about rain, kept him away...I don't know why, but I loved when it rained.

Last night sitting on the floor listening to the rain, I felt so safe and secure.  I felt a sense of relief rush over me.  Tonight, I will be safe.

How weird after all these years I still feel safest when it rains.   I am safe now, no one is going to come into my bedroom while I am in bed and hurt me....it is a knee jerk reaction to have these emotions and reactions come over me.

I am pretty sure that is why I have 8 hours of rain downloaded on my phone...I go to bed every night listening and letting the safety of that sound of rain loll me into sleep.   I realize that lots of people enjoy rain and sleep better when the ambient sound is rain drops....but for me, it is more.

Rain signals safety, for me.  I can only sleep if Ally feels safe.  Ally is my little girl, the one that protected my mind during those abusive child years....Ally basically controls my emotions...if she feels safe and happy, then I feel safe and happy.....its so weird to have an alternate personality that has so much power but is only a child of about 6 yrs old.

On another note, the service dog organization I volunteer at has named me "Volunteer of the Month" for December.   While this is a nice recognition of my efforts at the organization,  I do not do volunteer work for recognition...I do it for myself and my love of dogs.  

I do not like being recognized for anything that I do....I like to stay in the shadows.  I do not like to be recorded or pictures taken of me...I feel that is invading my privacy and leaving me exposed...Its always been like that, as a child, I was quiet and shy and reserved, I tried to be invisible.  Being invisible means "no one can see me, therefore, no one can hurt me"...that is a mentality I still carry to this day.

There will be a picture of me and short paragraph about me on their Website monthly page...this makes me nervous.   When I do something for someone, or an organization, I do it from the heart and am not looking for a pat on the back....When I was in Oklahoma, I regularly used Johns money to help others and almost always without Johns knowledge...when I would anonymously pay someones utility bill for them or whatever,  that is where I felt blessed, I could hide my secret smile that "I did that" and let their gratitude build me up...even when they would say "God blessed us" or "our prayers have been answered"  I would secretly know that I was that fucking GOD!  hahahahaha , okay I am being silly, I am no God.   I was just in a position to help...no thank you needed, no recognition needed, only the satisfaction of helping someone else...PERIOD

So being recognized for my efforts at the St Francis Service Dog org,  is nice, it is not needed or even wanted....I feel like it is a double edged sword.  Anyhoo....

It is raining still outside...I sat on my balcony with my coffee at 5 am, and let the soothing rain, cleanse my restless soul...Bring on the rain.

S

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I believe I need to clarify what she is saying.  Yes, she did lots of positive things for the dog park, and for the Homeless Alliance, but most of her accomplishments were because of me.  I am a better critical thinker.  She is more "shoot from the hip" and I am more "lets think about this and figure it out before applying your method".   She received many accolades for her dog park and homeless volunteerism, was interviewed on television news programs and her face was everywhere.  She could go no where without being recognized by someone.   She has always felt uneasy as a "public" person, so I stepped up and did the heavy lifting for her.   Somewhere inside her, she always knew "her accomplishments were not her own"...and it is my belief that is why she is insecure and so private..

She now knows that she is not alone, but there are many of us that live in her brain space.  Having this knowledge has caused her insecurities to elevate,  is it "me" or is it "someone else".  This is a real challenge for her to navigate.  It is also a real challenge for all of us to navigate.  When do we step in and help?  Whereas before, we came and went and did what we felt was best for her and she was none the wiser.  Now, she knows and fights against us...so we are attempting to recede back and let her try and become as whole of a person as possible.

It is my belief, her being recognized as "volunteer of the month", will only result in her  questioning herself more.  "Is it me, Sparrow, or is it 7 or someone else that is actually being recognized", this is where her insecurity lies, she really has no ideal "who" she is.

Tessa

the gray sparrow

 So for so long I have been fighting "growing old"....I have watched my mom and my step dad deteriorate into dementia and develop other "aging" diseases...it is sad to watch this, not for my mom, I don't give a shit about her, but my step dad also now has dementia and that is hard for me....

I am realizing that at 62, I am no longer a young and vibrant woman.   I am literally an old "Crone"...which is not a bad thing, as Crones are older women who have experienced life, survived, and now has wisdom...

My body is 62 years old.   I have multiple brain tumors, and DID and reactive hypoglycemia...my physical health is going downhill.   I am slower to move around, more cautious of falling and sleeping more, naps, etc...

I have decided to embrace senior adulthood.   I have put away my youthful way of thinking,  I have even made the decision to stop coloring my hair.   I am going to embrace my gray hair.  Yesterday at the salon, I told my hairdresser as much.   She has helped me start my journey to a head of long gray hair.   I now have gray highlights' and over time, my natural gray will take over those highlights.

I am not sure how Kevin feels about this...he liked my blonde hair, but it is just too fucking expensive to have my hair done every 5 weeks...now I will go every two months until my gray is completely grown out, then my visits will be just for hair trims...When I got home yesterday and Kevin saw me, he did not say a word about my gray hair until I mentioned it....translated:  he is not thrilled with having a partner look like an old lady...haha

but that is what I am, an old lady....I am keeping my hair long, but embracing the gray....I guess that means one of my feet is closer to the grave...

This has actually been a very hard decision for me.   I was raised to always look my best, because first impressions are lasting impressions.   I am from a family where looks, and materialism was emphasized all the time.  Look your best, buy the best, put your best foot forward... hide the ugliness...

Well I am done "hiding" the ugliness....I am ugly, I am poor, and I am now gray....Take that family!

If my family ever sees me again, they will be shocked at how I look now, especially the gray hair...I will probably be judged, as always...

People tell me over and over how "beautiful" I am...and I always reject those types of comments.  I am not beautiful at all, I just dyed my hair, artfully used make up, and I am skinny...all the things that "society" calls beautiful.   NOW, I am letting my hair grow gray...I rarely use make up and I don't even dress in "nice" clothes anymore....mostly sweat pants or jeans and t-shirts....

Just call me "Gray Sparrow"

S

pawn

 So I woke up this morning to find that I had not completely shut the drawer of my freezer on my refrigerator last night...so everything in my freezer thawed....now I have to throw everything out!

Like I can fucking afford to replace all the goddamn food that is now spoiled.....I am so fucking angry with myself for not making sure I completely closed that door....

Just another reason I am so fucked...I flat cannot live by myself anymore...every night my blood sugar levels fall into the danger zone....I am having a harder and harder time keeping my blood sugar levels in a normal range....my head pain is getting worse, that is why I am getting forgetful, especially with my fucking freezer...the pain, makes it hard to concentrate on a damn thing....

My apartment is becoming more and more crapped out...my neighbor is a horrible person that does everything she can to get under mine and Kevins skin....the landlord is a fucking dumbass...he does not care for the upkeep and all that with his property...it is becoming a section 8 complex....

So I have been looking for a small rental house, so I don't have to share walls and space with fucking intitled little fuck wads....

It is becoming clearer and clearer that I am no longer able to live alone...my health, physically and mentally, is going downhill.....I need a roommate....I cannot afford to rent a house on my own, it is financially impossible to do that, so...

Kevin and I are looking for a three bedroom place...so he can have his own room, bedroom, and we can be roommates...but...

I looked at my separation agreement, and if I cohabitate with anyone, I loose my spousal support...I will be kicked out into the street....John made that stipulation because he believes he is still my lawful husband and can make all the rules for me to live by....we are legally separated, by law we can live our own lives....but yet, John has made it so I cannot live my own life.

I might as well go crawling back to that hellhole of Oklahoma....because I am nothing....just a pawn, a  lowly little insignificant pawn in Johns world....

I FUCKING HATE BEING DEPENDENT ON JOHN FOR MY MONEY AND HEALTH INSURANCE...HE IS JERKING ME AROUND ABOUT THAT TOO....

so today, I have to throw out all my freezer food....trash....just like me.

s